Where's my Coke?
by FlippedoutKyrii
Summary: Adam and Donna come to the office one day and find that their Cocoa cola stash is missing. Without caffeine, they can't run the website! Will they find the coke before it is drunk? or will they have to go to the conveinence store and waste 20 dollars?
1. Awakening

BEEP!! BEEP!! BEEP!!

The alarm clock never did its job, if it really wanted to wake me up it would get off its plastic ass and do something about it. But then again it's my role model, it doesn't take crap from no one and sits around all day. But then again, it is quite annoying.

But I fall back to sleep anyway. To dream about what is left in the fridge.

RING!! RING!! RING!!

The phone was across the table, too far to reach. I would have to get out of bed or something. But it's so warm, and the carpet was imported from Siberia. It's always damn cold. But what if it's Ben from EBgames and he found a copy of Call of Juarez?

I bolted out of bed and seized the phone.

"DID YOU GET MY COPY OF CALL OF JUAREZ?!!"

"OW WHAT THE CRAP!!?" screamed the other person on the phone. "NO!! It's me! Donna!"

Aw man, stupid ass Donna always trying to impersonate Ben.

"What do you want?"

"I would say you are late!" she answered. "But there is something worse than that!"

"What is it?" I asked.

"I can't tell you Adam," She said back. "It's too terrible to tell you over the phone. You have to come down to the office."

"Does it involve Asparagus or Call of Juarez?"

"If it will bring you down here then yes, yes it does involve both your passions. And I've got 360 waiting for you."

I ran to the office and burst through the front doors. Bolting up the stairs and pushed aside snowflake and the interns, and finally making it to his office so that he could play the…

There was no 360, or asparagus or Call of Juarez.

"Damn that was fast!" said Donna in amazement.

"Where is the 360?!" I yelled.

"I lied Adam!" Shouted Donna. "It was the only thing that was going to get you out of bed!"

"What is this all about?" I demanded.

Donna looked at her feet.

"It's…" she started. "Well…."

She opened the secret hatch under the desk.

I gasped in shock.

"Somebody stole our secret stash of Cocoa cola."

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Screeched Adam. The entire office broke away from their drawing, their horrible animations, their drinking and their need to fix something on the website that doesn't need to be fixed and stared at the two in an awkward silence.

Then.

"Somebody stole the coke?"

"Somebody stole Adam and Donna's coke?"

"I have some coke under my dashboard, but still Cocoa cola is still pretty good."

"I Knew where it was, I just didn't want to loose my job."

"I have seven fingers."

"Why would anyone do such a thing?"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!!" Boomed Donna. Everybody stopped talking. "ME AND ADAM WANT TO KNOW IMMEDIATELY, WHO STOLE OUR COCOA COLA!!?"

There was silence.

"WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE FIRED!!?" Everyone raised their hand.

Donna was about to yell some more, but then I had an idea.

"I've got it!"

"You do?" asked Donna.

"Yes! We start firing people every five minutes until I decide to go to the convenience store or until somebody confesses, saves me twenty bucks and gives back our coke!"

"Every five minutes!?" yelled one of the interns. "But this was the only place that would accept my animation style. All my stuff was blamed on Newgrounds and the animation collage in Toronto laughed at me!"

"Oh man they laughed at you too!?" said another intern.

"They threw copies of "The Fog" at me." Said another.

"Will you guys shut the hell up!?" shouted the Janitor. "Maybe the reason why nobody likes your animations is because you should put at least five weeks into it! Not just pull one out of your ass and say "I worked in this for two hours!" well that means nobody would like and most likely it would be panned!"

The interns stopped talking.

"Now," the Janitor put down his mop. "Not that I like working here, but I've seen some pretty strange people around here last night."

"WHO!!?" I yelled.

"The…" started the Janitor.

"President of china…

…

…

Town."

End of part 1.

WILL DONNA AND ADAM FIND THEIR COKE? WILL THE INTERNS OVER STOP BITCHING? DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHICH LINE I JUST PLAGIARIZED? DOES MY BEARD LOOK LIKE A FOREST TO YOU? …Perhaps I should shave.

TUNE IN NEXT EPISODE!!


	2. Chinatown mishaps

We arrived at Chinatown. The janitor pointed us to the head office.

(I can't write down Chinese accents. So just imagine it with all your brain power that wasn't mangled by hours upon hours of taking care of pets that don't exist)

"Why have you come to my town Adam and Donna?" said the president.

There was an awkward silence, but then I asked.

"How did you keep the triads out of here?"

"I gave them things they wanted pacifically."

A man across the street in a black suit opened up a garbage bag and pulled out…

"OH MAN!! He gave us a Nintendo 64!"

"Alright! This is gonna be a great evening!"

"Anyway," started Donna. "We came here because Todd…"

"WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT!!" Shouted the Janitor. "You actually read my nametag!?"

"Well…" paused Donna. "Yeah… I mean… It is your name."

"You don't understand!" after all the years of working at Neopet's, nobody has called me Todd!"

"Well you don't do much" I put in. "All you really do is set the date and clock on the VCR and clean up the bathrooms after Burrito night."

"But there is more to it than that!" said Todd. "I have to clean up the interns salty tears of failure and the emo's intentions to use their Keyboards as razor blades to cut away their pain. I mean… DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GET BLOOD STAINS OUT OF CARPETING!!?"

"No Sir I do not". Said Donna.

"I do." Said the President.

"Well it is VERY hard!" finished Todd. "And after I clean up, they say "Hey thanks Janitor".

"Thanks Janitor?" asked one of the Presidents Body guards.

"Well most of the interns can't read." I said.

"Even if they can't read they could have at least asked for my name!" Shouted Todd once again. "How about if I don't clean up anymore of their messes!?"

"NO!!" yelled Donna. "The third floor will be knee deep in salty blood, Pickles and Snowflake will strangle each other after disagreeing with the time and date on the VCR and two days after Burrito night, THE BUILDING WILL EXPLODE!!"

"Explode?"

"Yeah it happened back in 2001," I said. "We just used the corpses of the dead interns in the terror mountain plot and propped them up on strings. Unfortunately snowflake's bride was impaled on a molten sink faucet, sending her into a mass depression, now she won't take off her brides dress."

"Oh so that's why she won't take it off!" said Todd. "Well she should, it's covered in cobwebs and last years steak dinner."

"Annnnnnnnyyyway!" said Donna. "We came here because Todd saw you last night in the vicinity of the secret hatch that contains our Cocoa cola stash!"

"Aw yes," said the President. "Yes it is true. I was in the Neopet's building last night. But not for the coke, but to find a bathroom because the one at the burger king across the street had a dead rat in it. I couldn't find the bathroom so I just used a drawer."

"SO YOU'RE THE GUY WHO TOOK A CRAP IN MY DESK!!" Yelled Donna.

"Yes I am, Todd pointed me in the right direction."

"TODD!!?" yelled Donna. "WHY!!?"

"Because you haven't paid me in ten months!"

"I'm not in charge of the paychecks," she said. "Adam is."

Todd stared at me.

"Well…" I stuttered. "I WAS going to give you your paycheck… but every time I though of Gears of War and Call Juarez. And… I always went on Game spot to watch the videos and awe at the screenshots and I never actually paid anyone in ten months."

There was a silence.

"Really?" asked Donna.

"Yeah," I'm the only one who's been making anything. The only time I ever did pay anyone was when I mixed up the paychecks with over ten million dollars in monopoly money."

"Will you people stop interrupting!?" said the president coldly. "Okay! Donna! I took a dump in your desk! Chill out! The Dudesons took a crap in their neighbor's mailbox and he only whined for five minutes!" (I DON'T KNOW WHY ALL THIS IS UNDERLINED!)  


Donna was about to say something, but didn't.

"But I did notice someone else leave the office shortly after me and Todd left."

"Who?" Me and Donna asked.

"It was…" started the President.

"The governor."

"THE GOVENOR!!?"

"Of California."

WILL ADAM AND DONNA BYPASS SECURITY AND TALK TO ARNOLD? WILL ANYONE CALL TODD BY HIS REAL NAME? DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW MUCH FAT IS IN THE BURGERS AT BURGER KING? GREASE KING IS MORE LIKE IT! AND DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHO THE DUDESONS ARE?

TUNE IN NEXT EPISODE!


	3. Zee Arnold

The security guard in the booth finished up his crap burger from McDonalds.

"Hey Dan I'll be back," said his partner.

"What are you doing?" the guard in the booth asked.

"Gotta unleash the dragon within." Replied Dan. He went into the bushes. There he screamed in pain.

The guard in the booth began to drink his awesome Sprite when suddenly.

A box walked past.

"Good afternoon cardboard box." Said the Guard. "Watch out over there, Dan's peeing out a kidney stone."

There was a pause.

"Wait a tick! I won't be wasted until 9!"

"What's goin on?" said Dan. "I heard the "wasted"!

"It's not about anything that involves getting wasted!" replied the guard. "This damn box just walked by and scared the crap out of me!"

"What!" yelled Dan. "You mean I broke away from my unleashment and ruined my pants just because you saw a box walk by?"

"But-"

"No Andrew!" interrupted Dan. "When I heard you say the word wasted I thought you were about to bring out the beer!"

Andrew stared at Dan's heavily stained pants.

"Maybe you should have just finished up.

Suddenly, the King from Burger King popped out of the trash can and yelled…

"WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW??!!"

"AHHH!!" Screamed Dan. "CALL SECURITY!!"

"WE ARE SECURITY!!" Screamed Andrew. They both ran out of the booth and bolted across the street.

The king pulled off his mask, revealing Donna.

"Alright!" she yelled. "We are through."

Todd and Adam pulled off the box disguise.

"How did you know that would work?" asked Todd.

"Well." Started Donna. "After many hours of playing Metal Gear Solid (Best stealth series, EVER), I realized that the box technique would defiantly raise questions or just plain scare the Bananas out of people, and the King is just self explanatory."

"Oh."

"You know you do make a kinda hot King Donna." I said.

"Shut up Adam." Donna replied. "Just shut up."

The three of us made our way into Arnold's house.

There he was, the unguarded Terminator. Watching Football on his… his… TOTALLY AWESOME SIXTY INCH PLASMA SCREEN HIGH DEFINITION TV!!

"OH MY GOD!!" screamed Todd and me in excitement.

"WHO GOE'S THERA!!?" Boomed Arnold in alarm.

Me and Todd bolted back in Fear. But Donna stepped forward.

"Please Mr. Schwarzenegger, we mean you no harm."

"How do I know thot!?" asked Arnold. "The lost little mon who said that did not go veree fa."

"What happened to him?" asked Donna.

"He's still on the ceeling." Answered Arnold as he pointed to the ceiling.

The three of us screamed. The rotting corpse of a man was splattered and sticking to the ceiling like a sticker.

"Oh, I thought I smelt Turnips." I said. Todd and Donna looked at me.

"You know," started Arnold. "Hee's been up thera for quite a while now, perhaps I should geet heem down."

"Look," said Donna. "We came here because somebody stole all of our Cocoa Cola. When we asked the president of Chinatown, he said he saw you in the premises of the office last night."

Arnold got up from his seat.

'Yes," said Arnold. "Yes it is troo that I was in zee Neopet's building last night, but not for your precious and delicious Cocoa Cola. But…"

"But what?" the three of us asked.

"But Beecause one of your leetile Interns Downlooded all ov my Moovies!"

"All of your movies?!" yelled Todd in amazement. He thought about it for a second. "THAT"S LIKE 50 GIGS!!"

"I was eemazed by zee leetile Mons computer too," went on Arnold. "Eespecially when it happened in one night. After reeping out hees hard Drive and stuffing zee little mon in a garbage con, I did see someone else in Zee Neopet's office right before I left."

I sighed.

"Who?"

"I beeleive it was Heroine Harry."

"HEROINE HARRY!!?" the three of us screamed.

"Why Heroine Harry!?" Donna asked. "Why does he want our Coke?"

"I do not know Leetile Girl," said Arnold. "I was eebout to ask him for a shot, but He left in such a hurree that I could noot geet to heem in time."

"What are we supposed to do know?" asked Todd. "He could be anywhere by now!"

"Most likely a crackhouse." I said.

"But there's like, ten million Crackhouses in this city!"

"Five hundred and fourteen actually." I said. Everyone stared at me. "Hey, I got bored on day."

Arnold walked past us and opened a door across the room.

"Follow mee." He said. I hesitated but followed, then Donna and Todd followed.

Arnold turned on the light. The three of us gasped in amazement.

For in front of us was a forty foot tall Cocoa cola bottle!

"Yes," said Arnold. "Yes it ees troo! I have a passion for zee Cocoa Cola too! Ever seence I was a wee leetile boy!"

Arnold sighed.

"I will follow yoo on zee quest for zee Cocoa Cola thief. Nobodee should have their entire stash of Cocoa Cola stoleen!"

"Alright!" I said. "Now no one is gonna get in our way!"

"HONEE!!" Yelled Arnold. "I'M GOEEN OUT!! AND I DON'T KNOW WHEN I'LL BEE BOCK!!"

"Alright!" replied Arnold's wife.

The four of us went out the front door, on the quest to find Heroine Harry.

WILL THE FOUR FIND HEROINE HARRY? DO YOU THINK THAT GUY ON THE CEILING WAS SELLING VACUUM CLEANERS? WHY IS THE KING SO DARN FREAKY? AND DOES ANYBODY REALIZE I JUST SHAVED?

TUNE IN NEXT EPISODE!


	4. The chase!

(DELAYED!! I KNOW!!)

The foursome went to their fifth crackhouse before they found Heroine Harry's signature…

"Harree wus here" was written on the forehead of a crack addict.

"He's here," I said.

"It said he 'was' here!" corrected Donna. "He could be anywhere by now."

I went in, ignoring Donna's Common sense that… is usually right… Maybe I should listen to her more often, but then Again, if I listened to her this time I wouldn't have found Heroine Harry.

There he was, watching Kick boxer 4.

"HARRY!!" I Screamed, he turned to me instantly. "WHERE'S MY COKE!!?"

Harry bolted from his seat, pushing aside K-fed and running to the door, but Arnold blocked his way. Harry was trapped.

The other three approached him.

"HARRY!!" Yelled Donna in anger. "We've been to Chinatown, We've bypassed security to get to Arnold and we've been to five crack house's just looking for whoever stole our coke! Where is it!?"

"Can I please sit down and explain!?" asked Harry.

Harry sat down and sighed.

"I suspected you would come by sooner or later."

Harry took a sip from his sprite.

"I was told to tag along in a heist, the reason was to just give a shot to any security, but the plan backfired when the goodshot behind the wheel decided to stop at taco bell, but then he had to go to the hospital after the lady at the front poured stuff she found on the floor into his taco after he insulted Tom Cruise."

"I KNOO EET!!" shouted Arnold. "I KNOO THAT LEETILE GIRL POURED CRAP INTOO MY TACO!!"

"Anyway," went on Heroine Harry. "The crew got thirsty, but then the boss over the radio told us there was some coke in a nearby office, the Neopet's office."

"You mean your crew stole the coke!?" asked Todd.

"Yes," went on Heroine Harry. "They stole everything, and…" Harry paused. "They left this."

Harry passed over an empty can of Cherry Vanilla Cocoa Cola.

"NO!!" I screamed. "THOSE BARBARIANS!! WHY WOULD THEY DO SUCH A THING!!?"

"Hey they were thirsty."

"WHERE ARE THEY!!?" Screamed Donna.

"I believe they are still outside."

"Why?" asked Todd.

"They stopped by an Arby's on the way home."

"Oh that makes sense!"

"Man that food is Terrible."

"There's no burgers!"

"That was the reeson Terminator 3 was deelayed."

The five ran out of the crackhouse. The three heist members were still sitting around their ford.

"WHERE"S OUR COKE!!?" Screamed Donna.

The crew broke into profanities, where they stormed into the car and sped off.

"DAMMIT!!" yelled Arnold.

"Don't worry guys!" assured Heroine Harry. "I have a car filled with a surprise."

"Is it asparagus and hookers!?" I asked.

"No!" answered Harry. "Well it was last week… but seriously, ever since I gave you that shot in 1997 you've been all crazy!"

Heroine Harry unlocked his Lexus and pulled a bag out from under the seat. He then pulled out an AK-47 and a SIG SG 550. (Machine guns.)

Harry tossed The AK to Arnold and the SIG to me. Harry also tossed Todd an MP5K (Machine gun) and Donna a standard police issue 9mm Berretta. (Handgun)

And underneath was enough ammunition to keep Jerry seinfields jokes at bay.

"What's up with all the guns!?" Yelled Todd.

"I got them when I gave Tom Cruise a shot in May 2005, but ever since he's been stalking me and won't leave me alone."

"Oh."

"I'll drive!"

…

…

Harry almost knew exactly where the crew was going. We were both on the Santa Monica freeway.

"Aren't you putting on a seat belt!?" asked one of the crew, the driver wasn't buckled up.

"Seat belts are for wimps and fat people!"

"But you kinda tubby!?" asked another.

"I'm not fat! I'm just wearing two shirts!"

"Lard cheeks." Muttered another.

Suddenly, the back window burst, spraying the back of their heads with shards of glass. One of the crew turned around.

"OH MY GOD!!"

"WhAT!!" yelled the other.

"IT'S THE TERMINATOR BACK FROM THE DEAD!!"

"Wait you mean that guy you said looked a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger was Arnold Schwarzenegger?"

"Yeah!"

"Wait, the Terminator can't die!"

"Yes he can!" Yelled the driver. "He got crushed by a crusher thing, melted by liquid hot metal, got his metal arse kicked by a hot Robot and blown up by a Nuke!"

"That's why He came back!" Went on the other. "He was just decommissioned!"

Another burst came from Arnolds riffle, and then Todd fired my rounds at the rear end of the car, blowing the rear view mirror to bits and shattering a side window.

"Alright guys!" Yelled the driver, we were prepared for this!"

"No we weren't!"

"Just bring out your guns!"

The driver pulled out an H&K MP7, the crew member who saw Arnold first pulled out a G36C and the other pulled out an IMI Tavor TAR-2 (REALLY REALLY expensive Machine guns.)

A burst came out of the G36, shattering the front windshield and taking out the left rear view mirror.

"AH NO!!" Screamed Heroine Harry. Todd fired half his clip into the trunk of the ford, which swerved into the next lane and sent many cars into disarray. Both of the crew members with the rifles unloaded into the Lexus, blowing out all the windows. Arnold then climbed half-way through the sunroof and began to unleash 7.62 MM hell onto the Ford. The Bumper the fell loose, Heroine Harry swerved to the left to avoid the oncoming metal, which took out the car behind them, which then slammed into a truck, where both went into a spin and smashed into a van and a nearby dodge. The grinding of metal on metal went on behind them with shattering glass and flying shrapnel. The Lexus sped up.

The ford and The Lexus were between a police car. The poor chaps in the police car were to suffer through the next firefight.

Todd, me, Donna and Arnold all fired on the ford at once, the Occupants of the ford did the same.

All three cars went into pieces as bullet's whizzed through windows, doors and metal. The lights on the police car exploded and disoriented everyone's view.

The driver of the Ford suddenly screamed in pain as a bullet went through his arm, he swerved without intention onto the off ramp.

"Their off the freeway!" screamed Todd. Heroine Harry grinded against the police car and nearly slammed into the water jugs (I don't know what they are called).

The police car stopped, the two occupants panted.

"Why does this always happen on Mondays?" the driver asked.

…

…

The Lexus went off the sped bump and flew ten feet into the air and went straight through an empty bus stop shelter. Wood and glass slided and grinded over the car and around Arnold as the car swerved and squealed onto the road.

"Will you put on your seat belt!?" yelled the crew member with the Tavor.

"I've just been shot man!" Blood oozed out of his wound and tears streamed out of his eyes "Even if I did have the power to put it on I wouldn't! Seat belts are for wusses and fat people!"

"Doesn't crying make you a fat wuss?" asked the other.

"AND DIDN'T WE JUST HAVE THIS CONVERSATION!!?"

"Tubby-assed wimp."

Suddenly, the man with the G36 saw something that might just help them get away.

"OI!!" he yelled out the window. The women with the wig looked at him. "THOSE BLOKES IN THE LEXUS WITH THE GUNS SAID YOU SUCK AND THEY ARE THE ONES THAT KILLED YOUR DOG AND THINK THAT YOUR ROLE IN CROSSROAD'S WAS SO BAD THAT ROSEO DONALD COULD DO BETTER!! AND WHEN YOU RAN AROUND TOWN BALD THEY TOOK PICTURES OF YOU AND POSTED THEM ON MANY WEBSITES AND LAUGHED AT YOU!!"

Britney spears swerved behind the ford and began to throw dozens of wigs at the Lexus.

"OH MY GOD SHE'S THROWING GERBILS AT US!!" I screamed. Todd, Donna and Arnold began to shoot at the oncoming wigs.

"WEE KEEP SHOOTING AT THEEM!!" Yelled Arnold in Terror. "BUT ZEE BULLETS KEEP GOEENG THROUGH ZEE HAIR!!"

It seemed like all was lost, but then She saw a nearby Checkers.

"OOOH!!" she exclaimed in delight. "TASTY AND ARTERIE CLOGGING FRENCH FRIES!!"

She pulled off the road to a certain heart attack or blood clot.

"THANK YOU CHECKERS!!" I screamed. "YOU WERE ALWAYS THERE FOR ME!!"

Arnold then fired into the Lexus, emptying his entire clip.

"DUDE THESE GUYS WON'T GIVE UP!!" yelled the crew member with the Tavor.

The ford sped up.

"We can't run anymore!" yelled the crew member with the G36. "Were almost out of ammo and if we don't go to the hospital your going to die!"

"Hospitals are for wimps, people with Diabetes and old people!" yelled the driver. "My father said the same thing! And he died in his words!"

"BUT HE WAS HIT IN THE FACE WITH A HARPOON!!"

"Both of you's! Shut up!" Yelled the driver. "We will get away and drink the coke! Even if we die trying!"

But then, the ford crashed and wrapped around Chuck Norris who was crossing the street, the driver screamed as he went through the windshield and fell to the ground twenty feet away from the wreck.

"I told him to buckle up." Said the crew member with the Tavor.

The unaffected Chuck Norris looked up from his PSP. He then broke away from the wreck.

Heroine Harry grinded to a halt. All five got out of the car and went to the driver, Chuck also tagged along.

I grabbed the driver by the collar of his shirt.

"WHERE'S OUR COKE!!?" I screamed.

The driver coughed up blood.

"IT'S…" stuttered the driver. "IT'S UNDER MY SEAT!! DON'T HURT ME!! HAUL ME OFF TO JAIL!! PUT ME IN A CELL WITH A BUNCH OF PERVERTS!! JUST DON'T HURT ME!!"

"Now now now now what's all this then?" Chuck asked Arnold. "I'm hearing something about a Cocoa Cola theft. Is this true?"

"Yes chuck." Said Arnold. "Theese leetile men with beeg guns just stole Adam and Donna's entire stash."

"Such a dastardly deed done by such little people." Answered chuck I disgust. With that, he pulled out the front seat of the mangled wreck. There was no Cocoa Cola.

"Is it all there!?" asked Donna in excitement.

"No." said Chuck.

"WHAT!!?" screamed the driver. "BUT I PUT IT THERE LAST NIGHT!!"

"Maybe when we were in the bus stop bathrooms the boss stole it." Said the crew member with the G36. "He came by last night but left in such a hurry that I couldn't talk to him."

"OH YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!" I yelled in frustration. "Where is your boss!?"

"He's in Beverly hills." Said the crew member with the Tavor. "Here's his address." He passed Arnold a note. "But hey, me and Doug didn't want to take the Cocoa Cola in the first place because we have our own stashes. Dave just wanted it because he's a tubby boy and the boss wanted us to get it for him. We have nothing against you guys!"

"I would love to tag along" Said Chuck Norris. "Especially when it's for such a horrendous crime, but there's a country that needs my help ever day. NORRIS AWAAAAAAAAAY!!" With that, Chuck Norris soared off into the sky.

"Yeah I don't really want to tag along." Said Heroine Harry. "Adam, your freakin nuts, and I don't want to be shot at again."

"But wait!" called Arnold.

"I don't have anymore shots at the moment Arnold!" Harry yelled as he drove off. "I'll get you one Tomorrow!"

Heroine Harry Disappeared from view.

"It looks like we are once again on the road." I said. "Our precious coke is in more danger then ever."

WILL THE FOURSOME FIND THEIR COKE IN TIME? WHO IS THIS WEIRD AND SINISTER BOSS? DOES ANYBODY UNDERSTAND MY GUN TALK? AND WHERE I NTHE WORLD ARE THOSE COPS? TUNE IN NEXT EPISODE!

This one was a little delayed, probably because I got eight video games for 35.99. And I found an awesome new Internet game called Madness Armory. I've been playing all of these instead of writing down the next chapter.

But there is some bad news, this story will go on Hiatus from now to August 10. I'm going on vacation… Again.

But I will be back, see you then!

FlippedoutKyrii.


	5. Horrid torture

WARNING!! THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS (Gasp) SEXUAL THEMES AND CENSORED LANGUAGE!! Read at your own risk, like you'll actually listen…

The four of us arrived at the correct address, we passed by cheap laborers and Mexican immigrants on the way up the path with pristine trimming and no weed in sight.

The four stood awkwardly on the welcome mat. The doorbell was labeled

Push it. I dare you.

"Well let's push it!" I said happily.

"Wait! ADAM!!" shouted Donna. "Do you have any idea how many conclusions this little choice can have on us all!?"

"No."

"Well! We could fall through the floor! The guy will come out with a big gun! The house will spontaneously combust! A creepy little girl in a red dress will come out of nowhere and blows us into blood mulch with a telepathic mind crush! Richard Simmons will dance his way up from hell for no reason whatsoever and send us into a craze of horrible aerobics! George Bush will be elected once again for president! They could have a blood hound! The door could be locked! There could… You know I think we can just shoot our way out."

"AGREED!!" I loaded my rifle with a fresh clip. I wrung the doorbell.

The lowlife thug who hangs around the house knocked on the real bosses door.

"BOSS!!" He squealed. "THE BRITS ARE ATTACKING!!"

"WHAT!!?" the boss screamed. "WHY?!!"

Somebody got up from their chair and slide onto another chair, the tapping of a keyboard could be heard.

"Hey boss!" yelled another voice. "The Brits aren't attacking! It's those guys from the Neopet's office!"

"What?" asked the Boss. "What do they want?"

"I think they want their coke back boss."

"HEY FINGAS!!" screamed the boss. "Get in here!"

Fingers stepped into the room. The boss was sitting comfortably in his arm chair while another thug was tapping into a security system.

"What do ya want me to do boss?" asked Fingers.

"Do what you always do!"

"Masturbate?"

"NO!! Open the trap door! Jeez!"

"Is that all I do here?" Asked Fingers in displease. "Open the damn trap door?"

"You Masturbate infront of that Pamela Anderson cardboard cutout every five hours! And it's weird, because I don't have a Pamela Anderson cardboard cutout! How do you get it in here so quickly?!"

"What cardboard cutout?"

There was a very disturbing pause.

"Never mind." Said the boss in awkwardness.

Fingers left. Then the boss turned back to the TV.

"WOW!!" yelled the Honeybees buddy in amazement. "I never thought when I woke up this morning I would find myself in these Egyptian ruins! Look at all the hieroglyphics!"

The honey nut cheerios bee put on a pair of goggles.

"According to my decoder goggles (Seriously, what the F--K!!?), it says…"

"WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA!!" yelled the other Honey nut cheerios bees' friend. There was a very long pause.

"What Franky!?" yelled the honey nut Cheerios bee in frustration. "What!? What the crap do you want Franky!? Did I ask you to speak politely Franky!? What exactly is your problem with the script Franky!? Are you pissed because it doesn't make any sense, Franky?! Did you leave your Nintendo DS at home Franky!? Do we have to go through a fast forward of walking back to America to get your Nintendo DS so you will not get bored Franky!? WHAT THE F--K DO YOU WANT FRANKY!!? WHAT THE F--K DID YOU HAVE TO INTERUPT ME FOR FRANKY!!? WHAT IN GODS NAME DO YOU F--KING WANT FRANKY!!?

Franky lost his words, but then.

"You have Decoder goggles!?"

"Yeah! You got a problem with that?"

"You have decoder goggles?!"

"Yeah!"

"DECODER!! GOGGLES!!?

"Jeez… you don't have to yell."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU USE THE DECODER GOGGLES TO FIGURE OUT THE FRIGGIN MAP BACK IN CAIRO!!? HUH!! DID YOU FIND IT FUNNY TO WALK INTO A BUTCHER SHOP AND INSULT THE OWNERS DAUGHTER WHEN YOU WERE REALLY ASKING HER FOR DIRECTIONS!!? DID YOU MEAN TO GET DANNY KILLED!!? WHAT IN HELLS NAME WERE YOU THINKING!!? OH I KNOW!! YOU WERE'NT THINKING AT ALL!!"

The silence was once again put into an eerie play.

"I didn't mean too."

"BULLCRAP!!"

Honey Nut cheerios! Part of this Nutritious Breakfast!

"Wow these commercials are getting better and better!" said the boss in amusement

Fingers put the trap door into fall position. The foursome shortly fell into a dark pit.

WHOA I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING!!" I screamed as I fell deeper into the darkness and the opening became a small star in a black sky.

"Holy crap!" yelled a police officer. "Those guys just fell into a hole!"

"Jeez Sebastian." Warned his partner. "The guy who lives there looks pretty rich."

"Oh yeah, I guess that means we can't press charges, arrest or beat anyone with a club!"

"Let's go to Dunkin Donuts!"

The thump on my head seemed like it was burrowing it's way into my brain with a blunt butter knife. And that bloody hurts. I snapped my eyes open to adjust to the shifting darkness. Every time I opened my eye lids it felt like Disney released another head splitting TV show for kids, and that's even worse than the butter knife. I don't why a TV show hurts more than a butter knife digging into your head, it's just one of the mysteries that cannot be explained. Unless science gets involved.

There was a lot of movement next to me.

"Man this sucks even more than Crazy Taxi!" yelled Todd in sadness.

The door swung open, flooding the room with light.

"Wow you did a good job Fingers!" said the boss in amazement. "You got em all in chairs and everything! It's weird to know that this used to be my wine seller! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO WITH ALL THE WINE FINGERS!!?"

"It's in your room, boss."

"Hey thanks, now I won't have to come down to my seventy-five story basement to get loaded! I don't know why I put it right at the last floor."

"Yeah boss, they don't have anything to say, we have their coke and their guns. But we can always torture them until we get their pin numbers!"

"Screw that," said the boss. "I have more than eight hundred million dollars! I don't need 4.99! Just kill them!"

"But boss this is a new shirt."

"OH WERE YOUR PANTS NEW!!? YOU KNOW!! RIGHT BEFORE YOU BLEW YOUR MAN GRAVY ALL OVER IT!!?"

"Not a good enough point to make me kill three people and one Governor. Let's just call Ice Pick down here to deal with them, he once killed nineteen people with a cell phone."

"Why not."

The door slammed shut.

"Did any of you hear that!?"

"The thing about the man gravy!?" asked Todd quickly.

"NO!! These guys are going to kill us all! Over a case of Cocoa Cola!

…

…

Man I just realized how sad this whole thing is."

"Yoo and me both!" said Arnold. "If onlee I had some Mountain Doo, then I wood eesily break out of theese leetile mon chair!"

"What's man gravy?" asked Donna Curiously.

…

…

"Well.." stuttered Todd. "It's…"

"WHOA YOU CAN'T SAY THAT!!" objected Dan loudly.

FlippedoutKyrii turned around.

"And why do you care all of the sudden about what I put into this thing?"

"Because if you write that down, you'll get angry emails! And then It would slow down your internet connection so then I wouldn't be able to surf the internet in peace without my retarded brother bursting in, eating all my food and waiting for me to be gone before looking at gay rape monkey porn!" (Me and Dan think he does that, because for some reason Dan has a lot of spy ware and there's a lot of strange sites on his history page)

"It's all about you!?" I said coldly. "Isn't it?"

"Yes. Yes it is."

I deleted the next paragraph.

"And that about concludes the male self pleasure system! Should I go on with…"

"FOR GOD SAKES NO!!" Screamed Donna in terror.

The door swung open once again, this time a man wearing a hood walked into the room with a VCR and a Television.

"Do you expect us to talk?!" I taunted.

"No of course not Adam, I want you to spam!" said the strange man. "Of course I don't want you to talk! There's nothing for me to extract out of any of you! I don't need anything from any of you guys! I just want you all to suffer!"

"And what kind of leetile mon tortoore is theese?" asked Arnold boringly.

The strange man turned on the Television and slipped in a tape. Then…

Then… the movie that played was called...

Called...

It's almost painful to write down…

Swept Away, Starring Madonna.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" The foursome screamed in terror. (Wow, note the long scream).

The straps were released, they were all free. But then the strange left a 38. Smith & Wesson Revolver on a nearby table, then he shuts the door.

Two minutes later…

"I don't know how much I can last. Everyone else seems to be succumbing to the terrible…. NESS of it all! Madonna… Madonna… MADONNA I WANT TO SNAP YOUR NECK AND STAB YOU IN YOUR SPINAL CORD AND PUT A POTATO PEELER TO YOUR FACE!!

Five minutes later…

"Even Arnold is looking fidgety, that Revolver looks mighty nice right about now, almost… Like it will set us free… MADONNA I WANT TO SHOOT YOU IN THE KIDNEYS!! WHERE THE HELL DO YOU LIVE!!?"

Ten minutes later…

"THAT'S IT I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!" screamed Donna in agony. She lunged for the Revolver with all her might. Todd swore and jumped for the revolver too, Me and Arnold Jumped right on top of the lot.

"I said it first! I must die first!"

"THIS MOVIE IS WORSE THAN ALL THE DEAD PUPPIES IN THE WORLD MULTIPLIED BY ALL THE DEAD KITTENS IN THE WORLD!!"

"I MUST DIE! GEET OUT OF MY WAY LEETILE MON!!"

"I MUST YELL TOO!!"

The four of us were fighting over a Revolver, but suddenly, it discharged, blowing the Television to pieces and also conveniently destroying the gas valve on the opposite side of the door. Setting us free once again.

"Well that was kind of convenient."

The four of us looked at the smoking and sparking television.

"Man why didn't we just do that in the first place?"

"I don not knoo Leetile Girl." Answered Arnold. It was almost like a sort of anti-destructo barrier of some sort!"

"Hey look guys!" yelled Todd as he pointed in the opposite direction. "Our guns!" All of our weapons were conveniently stacked on a nearby covenient gun rack. conveniently Polished and conveniently fully loaded. Also our convenient ammo cache was conveniently placed next to a convenient Soda dispenser conveniently selling mountain Dew that conveniently regenerates Arnolds strength…

…

…

conveniently.

Wow… gee… talk about convenience."

(Throat is sore)

Will the foursome get out of the seventy-five story basement and escape the Mansion of death alive? Will I receive any emails about how many times I've censored the F word? Will I receive another alert? Will I…

I…

Man I feel like I was just beating a dead horse with this chapter.

TUNE IN NEXT EPISODE!!


	6. SHOOTOUT!

To the five people who emailed me.

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!!?

Now on with the show!

Arnold gulped down the Mountain Dew in one sip.

"Lock and load!" I said Coolly as I grasped my SIG around the handle. Todd Checked the door. Peering around the other room through the crack before turning around and giving a thumbs up. Arnold went through first, and then giving the "Go" sign with his left hand. We all went through and… and… proceeded up the seventy-five flights of stairs. Jeez, you would really think they would have an elevator in this place.

The hacker slumped back in his chair and lifted his feet up onto the desk. Then shortly opening a can of beer with a loud fizz. The boss burped. But suddenly…

"Sir!" Said The hacker in shock as he bolted up from his chair, spilling his cool bear all over the floor. "They… They…"

The boss got up.

"What?" He asked impatiently. "Spit it out!"

The hacker spat onto the floor. "They are still alive!"

"What!?"

"I know! I'm shocked too! I mean… I'm sure the chick would have survived because she's a women and she can take that crap. But yet here they are! They would have blown their brains out in the first fifteen minutes! It's just not possible!"

"Well… It is possible because they are not only alive but they are now halfway up the unrealistically deep basement with no elevator. Man I 'm just glad I didn't install that. Waste of money."

"An elevator is a waste of money?"

"Yeah I used all of the elevator money in the thug lounge to buy every single videogame over steam on my mega awesome super computer I stole from NASA five years ago!"

"Oh you were thinking ahead!"

"Yeah your damn right boy. Now activate the Laser grid and make em burst to pieces like that girl who walked through the laser grid in the first resident evil movie!"

There was silence.

"We don't have a laser grid sir."

"Then Set the electric fence from stun to kill!"

"We don't have an electric fence."

"Then send down the drug addicts to tear them apart!"

"They all died when you wanted to test the effects of Sam Fisher movements on the human body."

"Then send down the blood hounds."

"They all died along with the drug addicts!"

"Then fill the basement with gasoline!"

"Sir not only will that cost more than two trips to the movie theater but then we'll all die from the fumes and if there's a spark this place and half the region will go up faster than the ratings on that Canadian Cartoon Network when they showed a pair of breasts at 3:00 sometime in the 1990's!

…

…

"You know I'm fresh Out of Ideas, lets just shoot them when they reach the top floor.

The hacker pulled out a Glock 39 and the boss upholstered a .500 S&W special. "We'll shoot them full of so much lead it will take a 80 ton crane to lower their caskets into their graves!". The door behind them started to rattle. The two of them turned just in time to see Arnolds Fist smash through the leetile mon door. "OH CRAP YOU SAID THE BASMENT DOOR WAS DOWN THE HALL!!".

"JUST BECAUSE I'M A HACKER DOESN'T MEAN I KNOW EVERYTHING IN THIS MANOR!!" The hacker vaulted over the desk and ran down the hall. "GUY'S!! GET YOUR GUNS!! THE TERMINATOR'S GONNA KILL US ALL NOT UNLESS WE PUT UP A MEANINGLESS FIGHT!!". Suddenly, Dozens upon dozens of thugs armed with Armalites and Uzi's stormed the Manor and scrambled out of the halls and slammed out of the rooms. Low life thugs swarmed the front doors totting AK's and Berettas. Heavily armored thugs clambered out of the kitchen clutching high-powered automatic M4s and very expensive H&K weaponry. This is just a warning that there is gonna be AAAAAAAAAALLLOOOOOOTT of fighting.

"Wow I didn't know we had that much guys". The boss stumbled out of his room as gunfire from Arnolds Rifle riddled the door with holes and sent the room into a smoking cloud. The boss fired back into the mass hoping to hit at least something besides a piece of his furniture. "That guy was supposed to weaken and then finish them off!" screamed the boss in terror. "I need all the guys here at- Woah where the hell did you guys all come from!?". The boss paused for a second. "Well it doesn't matter! Just cap them! There are dozens of us and only four of them!" The boss bolted down the staircase with amazing speed for his fat build. "I'll be on the top floor! Do what you are paid to do and stop them!"

"But Boss, You don't pay us anyting!"

"Shut up and kill them!" The boss ran up the other stairs across the entrance hall with his hacker. The thugs aimed their iron sights at the door. A mountain Dew soda can was thrown out of the doorway and landed near a sofa and entertainment center. The thugs paid little attention to it. But suddenly… The can exploded! Nine thugs were sent through the air like rag doll's flapping their arms like mad! Arnold appeared, AK-47 in hand. He then ran along the railing, firing with precision accuracy! Which was then followed by the satisfying sound of bullet on skull on brains on blood on wall! The exchange of fire was deafening. Todd jumped out of the door way, followed by Donna and me. Todd helped Arnold with his suppression fire, Me and Donna scrambled down to the main level. Donna fired first at the Elite thugs, bad Idea.

"WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO AFTER THE STRONGEST FIRST!!?" I yelled.

"WHAT!!?" Donna yelled back.

Another can of Mountain Dew landed not far away from Donna, the same happened, except this time the carnage was twice as massive. Flaying bodies went through the air, bringing down the chandelier and sending sofa cushions, lamps, tiles, splinters, glass and the occasional shoe in all directions like a monsoon of debris'. In the confusion, Donna holstered her Beretta and picked up a 5.56 M4A1 assault riffle (Considered to be one of the best assault rifles in the world). And along with that she picked a few 40MM grenades off one of the elite in the fray of dust and destruction.

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING!!" Yelled Todd as he unloaded his entire clip into the mass of thugs, 19 fell to the floor.

"WE'LL TAKE FATASS!!" I yelled. "YOU TAKE THE REST!! THEN FOLLOW US!!" Arnold pumped his Benelli M4 super 90 he snatched from a fallen thug and with one blast, he took down the other chandelier, the mass of brass and steel crushed seventeen thugs into pulp. Donna scrambled up the staircase, I followed. Donna crouched when she entered the door the hacker and fatass went through. Ten thugs rushed us, Me and Donna showed them that running at your armed enemies was bad idea. But I also guess it was a bad Idea firing a gun right next to her ear, she proudly returned the favor, I sad a word that I had to ban ten children for saying on the forum (CRAP THAT'S LOUD!!). I then realized, That was stupid… But aren't we killing dozens of people over a case of coke? Maybe I should have-"

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE FATASS!!" Donna yelled. The Hacker raised his weapon, but realized her gun was bigger so he dropped it.

"Never mind! Gotta drink coke after I shoot fatman!" I shot the fatman in the spleen. He put the lords name in vain and landed on his large gun, it discharged, blowing a large hole where his kidneys would be.

"Well this certainly blows." Uttered the fatman unusually calm. Todd and Arnold ended their massacre and joined us. I grabbed the fatman by the collar.

"WHERE IS OUR COKE!!?" I yelled in fury. The fatman mumbled something, but then reached for his pocket. It was another setback, An I.O.U card was firm in the fatmans hand.

"What is this!?" I Asked firmly. The fatman sat up.

"He came and went ten minutes ago. He took the case."

I stared at Donna, she stared back. "Who?"

"I'm not the boss, Everyone just calls me boss because I own this place. My boss, he isn't even the boss! He's just a guard!"

"What guard!? What does he guard?"

"We don't know his real name, but everyone just calls him "The Guard". He runs the gang fronts of L.A. The triads want him taken out, I assume they've sent you guys."

"We want to know what he guards! Not what he does!"

"He's a body guard. He's goes wherever D.D goes, Without D.D, nothing will flow, D.D runs The Guard, The Guard runs me, and I run the heists."

"Who's D.D? And what does The Guard want to do with our Coke?

"He…" The Boss stuttered. Blood burst from his mouth. "Before I go into that dark place I must say…

…

…

Say…

…

…

Spider Man 3 was completely mediocre."

"What?"

"It just wasn't what I expected. I mean I liked the first one and the second, but all the good stuff was played in the commercials. But the worst part was when Spiderman's chasing the bad guy, and then he just runs right infront of a monstrously large American flag waving in the wind."

"Oh yeah I didn't understand that either." Put in Donna.

"I mean I can understand if Spiderman was fighting The Russians or the Chinese or terrorists," Went on The Boss. "But he was just fighting another American, but not only that, he just had to run infront of an obnoxiously large American…"

"WHERE DID THE GUARD GO!!?" I Boomed at the top of my voice.

"I'm right here, you don't need to scream." The Boss passed Me a Fax Note.

The Guard has been sent to pick up the Case and deliver it to headquarters until further notice.

D.D. Head of Urban control. Fox Plaza.

P.s. Stop putting minutes on my Cell Phone! I haven't switched yet and that money doesn't come out of my account! It comes out of my money Jar! I need that money for hookers and Slim Jims!

"Fox Plaza? He's in the Fox building!?"

"Yeah, I was gonna ask him how he got there and also why the Guard came in, but he switched five minutes ago and the Guard left in such a hurry" The Boss died.

"GUUUOOD DAMMIT!!" I roared in anger.

"Man He just died so suddenly." Donna pointed out.

"Not that!" I shot. "Haven't you noticed!? Todd couldn't talk to the president of Chinatown because he left in such a hurry. The president couldn't talk to Arnold because he left in such a hurry. Arnold couldn't talk to Heroine Harry because he left in such a hurry. And the crew couldn't talk to The Boss because He left in such a hurry! Don't you see!?"

"People are very quick?"

"No! It's… Actually I think your right."

"We need to get our coke, it's strangely in even more danger than ever before!" Said Todd.

"But How are wee soopposed to geet into zee Fox Plaza?"

"Ummm…" stuttered Donna. She raised the S&W 500. Special. "Duh?"

Will the foursome breach Fox Plaza and get their Coke? Why is Fox in on the conspiracy? Will Grade 10 become even more horrible once exams roll by? Does…

Does anybody realize 120 people died over a case of coke?

…

…

Anyway…

TUNE IN NEXT EPISODE!!


	7. Chaos

THIS EPISODE IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY…

High school sucks.

And how long it takes to write your longest chapter yet.

NOW ON WITH THE SHOW!!

D.D sat comfortably in his armchair chewing on a Slim Jim. But then, like something in at least everyone's lives that happens A LOT. Someone or something had to burst his bubble. The phone rang. It took D.D a few moments to get out of his comfortable chair and hastily pick it up.

"Hello?"

"Hey Boss."

"I have a name!"

"Hey D.D… Turn to the news network."

"What? Did the water pumping station explode again and create a giant wet T-Shirt party covering a ten block radius?"

"No… The guy in the Manor, you know, the fatass with the seventy-five story basement… actually I'll save you the trouble. Him and 115 of his thugs are dead."

"What!?" D.D shot up from his seat. "I just finished payments on that place! Is everything okay? Just needs a little corpse removal and some carpet scrubbing?"

"No D.D, It's pretty badly screwed!" D.D went into a fury of grunts.

"Are you okay?"

"No I'm just getting over the fact that Futurama was canceled OF COURSE I'M NOT OKAY!! DO… do you have any idea how much this will be on my credit!? Is it really that bad? Is there a lot of blood?"

"No D.D, It's like 560 emo's just simultaneously slit their wrist and ran around the manor and suction cupped themselves to the ceiling and rolled all over it… I also think someone spilled some soda on one of the sofas."

"OH THAT IS JUST GREAT!!"

"Also the case is missing."

"Oh now it's just tearing me apart! I just know it was that foursome! Find them!" D.D slammed the phone down. He then turned to the four men standing in front of his desk.

"Guard. I need you and your best men to take these bastards down. One for each of you." The guard nodded. His best men also nodded.

"I will not fail you sir." Said the guard curtly. With that, he and his elite's left the room.

Meanwhile. Somewhere on the streets of L.A.

The foursome rode in a new car, and an old friend was driving.

"Wow Harry where did you find this new car?" I asked as I looked at the sweet armor plating.

"Well…" explained Heroine Harry. "I got the idea when I was playing Driver 4, parallel lines. Then I thought, wow, this game blows, but the Ram Raider is awesome! And by coincidence that weird guy at the garage just finished this version of it and… it was just sitting there with the keys in the ignition. I stole it, I think it's the best thing I've ever stolen, besides the Mona Lisa and Jimmy Haufa's body."

I was about to ask where he found Jimmy Haufa's body, but then suddenly the sound of screeching tires and shouting filled the air. I looked behind us, just twenty meters away, over ten cars were racing towards us. Apparently full of people. I knew immediately that they weren't trying to rule the road, or attempting to sell us vacuum cleaners on the go. Harry knew the same. With the simple push of a button, armor plating slid out from cracks close to the windows and doors, encasing the car like a tank.

And just in the nick of time, two gunners in each car fired upon us, bouncing and ricocheting off the armor or missing entirely. Harry Then pushed the pedal to the floor, screaming past traffic and other obstacles. Our pursuers sped up too, but one wasn't a very skilled driver and smashed into the rear end of a van, flipping over in the process and grinding on its roof until it vaulted over the curb and went straight into a McDonalds. Every window pane on the side of the building shattered as the car exploded. People fled the building in terror, just before the place erupted in flames. Donna looked shocked.

"Hey at least people got exercise" said Todd weakly.

Todd's bad joke was greeted by another burst of gunfire, Harry swerved around cars before they were riddled with bullets, car after car careened off the road and started to crash in the most chaotic ways possible. Telephone polls fell over like dominos after a dodge went into just one. A bus burst its tire after one round hit the rear bumper and lost its brakes, slicing its way through parked cars and taking out everything on the sidewalk for an entire block before a big rig rear ended the bus and sent it onto its side.

Arnold, disgusted by the carnage, climbed through the unprotected sun roof with his AK-47 in one hand and my SIG in the other. Unleashing both clips sent two pursuers into each other after the drivers were killed, while another went off the street entirely, hitting a speed bump at top speed, where it went clean through the top floor of an abandoned building and crashed into the other street below, where a big rig carrying a dozen new cars went into the passenger side, completely demolishing it and disorienting the drivers view, he then went into a row of cars at the stop light, his load now loose, fell out and went downhill.

Arnold went back for ammo, only to be greeted by Harry swearing. The dozen or so cars that went down hill screamed through the intersection, one missing the rear bumper by inches. The pursuers were not so lucky. Well, think of the part of bad boys 2 when they cause a pileup crash in the intersection, but with three times more cars. The pursuers vaulted over each other, grinding into and just completely pulverizing the new vehicles, then vice versa. The new cars that made it through entirely with out a scratch then down the street, tearing through red lights only to cause more chaos, more pileups and surely sending at least one insurance company to hell in a hand basket.

"You hear that?" Todd Asked Donna shortly after the cars stop making noises.

"Hear what?"

"That's the sound of 450 insurance brokers crying." Arnold snatched two clips from the bag that was just recently filled.

"How mooch furtha?" asked Arnold as he reloaded.

"It's gonna be a while. The Fox Plaza is in Century city. (Downtown L.A.)" said Harry. "Even in this car it's gonna be a while." As if by some cruel joke, sirens erupted behind them. It seemed like it was about time the police arrived (Couth, Action cartoon style for Saturday mornings, Couth) I turned around again. Over two dozen police cars appeared right behind us. Along with the roar of the helicopter that circled above, maybe more.

"THIS IS CHIEF WILLIAM J. BRATTON OF THE LAPD!!" Screeched a voice from the helicopter that could be heard from blocks away. "PULL OVER AND STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE WITH YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD!!" Almost on cue, a police roadblock spread from sidewalk to sidewalk. Dozens of police officers leaped out of their cruisers with Shotguns and handguns drawn.

"Jee, maybe this should just end." Said Donna.

"What chu' talkin' bout Donna?" I snapped.

"I'm saying that enough is enough! We've been running, shooting and speeding all over L.A, we've caused thousands in property damage, we just got Britney Spears to gain ten pounds, we've got K-fed bumping his shin and we just slaughtered over one hundred thugs In an unrealistic shootout who for some reason had really bad aim. Besides, He sounds so determined, I don't want to disappoint him."

"Maybe yoo doo leetile girl!" shot Arnold. "But I doo not!"

"She has a point Arnold." Said Todd with an agreeable nod.

"Yeah I think this is just retarded." Said Heroine Harry.

"Say yes or I weel keeck your ass!"

"NO WAY DONNA!!" Yelled Todd.

"GO BACK TO THE KITCHEN AND COOK US SOME DINNER!!" Roared Heroine Harry.

"OH YOU GUYS ARE A BUNCH OF D-"broke off Donna, but was interrupted by a massive explosion! The police barricade was split in half by a column of fire that sent two cruisers end over end and a parked SUV and over a dozen police officers straight into the air!

"WHAT THE FU-!!" Swore the Chief, but was also cut off by two more explosions! The gas station just across the heavily traffic clogged intersection was blown to pieces by a deafening roar of fire and mangling metal, multiple cars flipped onto their sides or roofs while the poor drivers were sent into the air, which was soon occupied by garbage, bins, bleach containers, tires and other assorted gas station related objects with little use or meaning In a ridiculous story written by a fifteen year old boy with nothing better to do than diving into the world that is fanfiction with a head full of stupid stories… You I think I better stop before I get carried away.

Annnnnnnnyyyway. The third and biggest explosion followed shortly after the second, this time the motorcade of police cars that appeared behind them disappeared in a billow of fire and black smoke! Flaming cars and fragments were shooting out of the massive cloud like fireworks, sliding into buildings, rows of parked cars, and crowds of people and just… just… you know just causing a really big mess!

"CHRIST ROGER!! LET'S ACT LIKE HOCKEY STICKS AND GET THE PUCK OUT OF HERE!!"

"I WOULD USUALLY POINT OUT PLAGARISM BUT WE REALLY NEED TOOOOOO-!!!" The helicopter soared off in a drift while Roger was speaking, the other chopper didn't go far, The tail was struck by an explosive and went into a spin as hundred's of people scrambled away from the scene, tumbling over each other and causing even more car accidents as people poured into the streets to escape the carnage. The helicopter with nowhere to go, pierced the side of a skyscraper and exploded, a still spinning blade shot down to the street like a boomerang and completely demolished an occupied pickup truck. The five of us sat there in silence.

"Wow that went out of control faster than the news network crews fighting each other in the movie "Anchorman"."

"Oh it did not!" I objected. A burning police car fell to the ground a few feet away from them, showering the Ram Raider with searing hot metal and burning donuts.

"MY GOD PARIS YOU HIT EVERYTHING BUT THE CAR!!" boomed a loud voice that sounded oddly familiar from an AH-64 apache gunship that appeared just behind the skyscraper.

"Uwe Boll?" I said to myself.

"This helicopter is hot." Said an even more familiar and annoying voice. The other voice stuttered.

"There's no guessing who that is." Said Todd.

"That's your excuse for everything!" Yelled Uwe Boll.

"Because it's hot."

"SHUT UP!!" boomed the other voice. Suddenly, another gunship appeared from behind a row of stores.

"WILL YOU GUYS STOP ARGUEING LIKE A BUNCH OF LITTLE SEVENTH GRADE QUEERS!!?" Roared an even louder voice. "YOUR LITTLE ADVENTURE ENDS HERE!!" The voice said to us. "YOU'VE CAUSED ENOUGH TROUBLE FOR AN ENTIRE MERCENARY CLAN TO COME FOR YOU!! BUT EVEN AN ENTIRE MANOR FULL OF TRIGGER HAPPY THUGS AND A BRIGADE OF ELITE HITMAN COULDN'T TAKE YOU OUT!!"

"Were there any Hitwoman?" asked Paris. With that, the three other pilots burst into laughter.

"OH MY GOD BAUMAN DID YOU HEAR THAT!!?" Asked Uwe Boll, choking back laughter. Apparently Only Boll could have heard the reply. "Oh Paris, Paris Paris, women can't fire guns or drive cars! They can't even play video games! Why do you think you just missed?" In anger, Donna pulled down the armored plated window and shot one round at the gunship where Uwe Boll was riding shotgun. The gunship didn't even move.

"Oh I guess they can fire guns." Said Paris.

"SHUT UP PARIS!!" yelled one of the voices.

"WHAT THE HEEEEEEEEELLL!!?" Screeched Donna as she pulled out a microphone, her voice the loudest. The street was silent except for the loud humming of the chopper. "WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE!!? AND WHAT DO YOU WANT!!?"

"I'll start."

"No I'll start!"

"No I'll start! This scene is hot."

"I'll start because I own 4kids!" I felt as if I just got punched in the chest.

"ALFRED KAHN!!?" I thundered in anger. But Todd just looked like he just bit into a S--t burger.

"YOU RUINED YU-GI-OH YOU ANIVING BASTARD!!"

"It was for the children!" Alfred argued.

"THE CHILDREN IN THIS COUNTRY WATCH AN EPISODE OF SOUTH PARK AND TYPE THE WORD "PORN" INTO GOOGLE EVERY TEN SECONDS!!"

"Screw you!" Alfred shot back. "After we kill you, I will take over Neopet's and screw it up until it's two times worse than that Japanese nightmare!"

"NO!!" I screamed in terror. "It's already screwed up enough as it is! We can't even show zombies anymore!"

"Yeah we had a sort of small zombie takeover in that Tales of Woe project!" put in Donna. "But then everyone thought it was too violent!"

"Oh yeah we had this scene where Sophie pulls out a shotgun and just turns the street into a Happy Tree Friends cleanup scene!"

"SCREW YOUR ZOMBIES I HAVE CENSORSHIP!!" Yelled Alfred.

"And a gunship." Put in Boll.

"AND A GUNSHIP!!" repeated Alfred.

"I'M NEXT!!" Yelled Uwe Boll.

"Fine."

"WHEN I KILL YOU GUYS!! I WILL CONTINUE TO PRODUCE FAR CRY THE MOVIE!! AND MAKE ANOTHER DISAPOINTING BLOODRAYNE FILM!! AND I MIGHT JUST SCREW UP POSTAL THE MOVIE TOO!!"

"Why Hollywood!?" cried Donna Tearfully. "WHY!!?"

"And Michael Moore will make a movie about this whole thing!"

"What has this world come- OH NOW YOU'RE JUST BEATING A DEAD HORSE!!" I bellowed in anger and frustration.

"AND ONCE BOLL HAS COMEPLETED HIS ABOMINATION OF MOVIES!!" Started Jack Thompson.

"Why do you think I keep making movies!?" Yelled Uwe Boll. "I make movies so I screw them up and piss people off! I don't even play video games!"

"Oh okay." Corrected Thompson. "But once I'm done with you guys, I WILL DESTROY EVERY SINGLE MUSIC AND VIDEO STORE IN LOS ANGELES!!"

"What is your Problem!?" Yelled Harry. There was silence.

"I just joined because this helicopter is hot." Said Paris.

"Ahhhh… close enough." I said.

"PREPARE TO DIE!!" Boomed Alfred Kahn, his turret spinning into life, the others followed. I suddenly had an idea.

"WAIT HOLD ON!! LET ME TELL YOU THE ZOMBIE STORY!!" Uwe Boll Immediately stopped what he was doing.

"WAIT STOP STOP STOP!!" Repeated Uwe Boll.

"What are you talking about!?" Screamed Thompson in shock.

"Let them tell us! I need to get a few ideas so I can make my trailers look more appealing!"

"Oh fine." Said Kahn. "Just give us a few of your Nazi encrusted gold bars when you make enough to buy a private jet."

"Go on." Said Uwe Boll.

"Okay." I said. "Donna, You Gotta help."

SPOILER WARNING

ANOTHER MEANINGLESS WARNING!!

This was the main reason why this chapter was delayed! Because I was without internet and for some reason decided to be a giant prick!

Read on!

Sophie the Swamp Witch ran down the deserted and dark road. The battle between her brother and the inhabitants of this doomed town could be heard as she ran.

"SOPHIE WAIT!!" Screamed Gilly as she ran towards her, gasping for breathe. The injuries she suffered from fighting through the possessed forest were shown with multiple splinters jutting out of her forearms and clothing. Sophie immediately took notice.

"What Happened!?" Exclaimed Sophie. "Did you decide to mimic Steve-o and jump into a thorn patch Naked!?"

"No that Krawk wizard guy turned the entire forest into a big reference to Lord of The Rings and sent them to tear me apart!"

"Oh… Wait he can make trees come to life too!?"

"Yeah apparently he can do a lot of things. Anyway, where are you going!?"

"I was on my way to bake a potion that could help me… I haven't figured out how it will help me yet, I only got to page 34 of the script before I started watching Mind Freak."

"Oh what episode?"

"The one where he gets run over by a steamroller. That guy can do anything! Except potions."

"Oh yeah."

"Potions are the solution to everything! Except for that one time where that Ryan guy created a city under the sea and thought it would be awesome to cell stem cells to the public to boost their strength and powers but didn't realize it was addictive which led the people to riot and then the stem cells screwed up their bodies and minds and everyone started killing each other, but mostly they attacked this airplane crash survivor who ended up being the hero of the little sane inhabitants that remain… I think we better get back on topic."

The two looked around until they noticed the abandoned Insane Asylum, where the strange disturbed Krawk was running to the main doors.

"STOP YOU STUPID MARIYLN MANSON COPYCAT!!" Screeched Gilly at the top of her lungs. The Krawk hesitated, but realized it was in the script.

"Okay." He calmly replied.

"Who the hell are you!?" Demanded Sophie. "SPEAK OR YOU WILL FEEL THE WRATH OF MY TOP HAT!!"

"What are you going to do!?" asked The Krawk with his calm voice of his. "Throw it at me like Odd Job!?"

"No I have really bad fleas."

"Uh oh. BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER!! WHAT YOU SEEK LIES INSIDE!!"

"What… What lies inside?" asked Gilly, just as confused as Sophie.

"You have to venture inside to find out! Go now! We are running out of panels!"

"What panels!?" asked Sophie, now more confused as ever.

"The panels of this flash comic strip!"

"What… What are talking about! This isn't a comic strip!"

"You're just rejecting the fact that we are all trapped in panels."

"THERE ARE NO PANELS AROUND HERE!!" Screamed Gilly.

"You just keep saying that."

"You're insane!"

"No you are the ones who are insane!"

"No we're okay." Objected Gilly. "Except one of us hasn't bathed in a while."

"HEY I'LL GET AROUND TO IT!!" Snapped Sophie. "You on the other hand are just psycho!" Sophie pointed her finger at the Krawk.

"Oh really? Well I guess this conversation must really need a twist!" said The Krawk menacingly. With the flick of his fingers, there came very disturbing sound from the nearby graveyard. A big nod to "Night of the living dead", dozens of the dead rose from their graves! Rotting, disfigured, mutilated, mangled and smelly they were!

"HOLY CRAP YOU CAN RAISE THE DEAD TOO!!?" screamed Sophie.

"I can do a lot of things!" exclaimed The Krawk.

"BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIINSSSS!!" moaned the zombies in an off-key chorus.

"FABULOOOUSSS BRAIIIIIINNSSS!!" Moaned the Homosexual Zombie.

"OKAY SERIOUSLY!!" Shot Sophie. "WHAT THE F--K IS YOUR PROBLEM!!?

"I have absolutely no problem whatsoever!" Replied the Krawk. "I only do what's necessary!"

"You mean turning my entire town into a deformed legion of mutants and then turning them into ghosts for ten years was necessary!?"

"Of course!"

"Did you even live here!?"

"Of course not! It smells like soup!"

"Then why did you do this!?"

"Ummm… Sophie!?" interrupted Gilly as the incredibly slow "Day of the Dead" zombies shuffled closer and closer.

"Not now Gilly." Went on Sophie. "There must be a reason why you just decided to screw up my town!"

"I do not know what you mean."

"YOU BRAINWASHED AND MUTATED MY FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS, TURNED THEM INTO GHOSTS, GOT AN ENTIRE FOREST TO ATTACK A LITTLE GIRL AND JUST RECENTLY RAISED THE DEAD!!"

"SCREW YOUR RANT I HAVE THE STUPID PLOT SCRIPT!!"

"Oh he got me there."

"SOPHIE!!" screamed Gilly as the Zombies shuffled closer.

"What Gilly!?" Roared Sophie as she reeled around to face her. "WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PROBLEM!!"

"Braiiiiiiiiiinnnnssss…" moaned the Zombies.

"Fabuloussss Braaaaiiiiinsss…" Moaned the Homosexual Zombie.

"Oh yeah… the zombies." With that, Sophie took off her hat and pulled out an M1 Carbine and a 12 Gauge Pump Action Mossberg 500.

"Woah how the hell did you fit those things into your hat?" asked the Krawk, shocked.

"How the hell did you manage to raise the dead?"

"Touché." Sophie strapped her Mossberg onto her back and fired the Carbine at the nearest zombie, who just happened to be the gay one.

"Oh this is so not fabulous!" moaned the Gay zombie before he split his head in half on a tombstone. Sophie fired at five more zombies. Each of their heads splitting open from the 30. Caliber rounds piercing their rotting flesh.

"MAN!! TIME TO ACT LIKE A BANANA AND SPLIT!!" Yelled the Krawk, he rounded the fence and disappeared from sight. But soon ran back into view. "DUDE THEIR EVERYWHERE!! THIS WASN"T PART OF THE SCRIPT… maybe I should walk, they aren't very fast." One of the zombies just happened to be a crossover from "Dawn of the Dead" and ran at the Krawk. "OH COMEON!!" The Krawk screamed and ran into the forest. The fast zombie followed.

"Come-on Gilly!" cried Sophie as she barged through the front door. Gilly soon followed. The zombies were then locked out.

"Okay we need to find whatever that psycho said before they break down the door and swarm the place!"

"Are you thinking about fast zombies or the zombies outside?"

"Oh yeah, I guess we could just take our sweet time." Sophie and Gilly were soon wandering the halls. "Man it feels like I'm playing Condemned! Except there are no drug addicts and hallucinations, and I have plenty of ammunition."

"Hey I think I found whatever he said!" yelped Gilly as she opened a door. "It's a glowing flower! It must be the object he was talking about!"

"OH GOLLY JEE WIZ!! YOU THINK SO!!?" cried Sophie. As soon as Gilly grabbed the flower from the skeleton, the sack of bones came to life! Gilly screamed just as a shotgun blast rung out and the sack of bones blew into over a dozen pieces. "Wow I didn't even need a headshot for that one."

"How are we going to get out the door now!?" asked Gilly. "The zombies finally reached the front door!"

"I've got another thing under my hat." Said Sophie calmly as she took off her hat, reached inside and pulled out a 20MM M79 Grenade launcher.

"How much weapons do you have in that thing?" asked Gilly curiously.

"Enough." Sophie shoved a grenade into the chamber.

"How much is enough?"

"Shut up and get out of the way!" yelled Sophie as she fired, the doors blew apart, sending zombies in all directions.

"Oh there was just blood everywhere! A pair of intestines tangled around a tree and there is pink brain matter everywhere!" I went on.

"Hey that sounds pretty-"started Uwe Boll. "WAIT A TICK!! YORU JUST USING THIS COMEPLETLY IDIOTIC AND UNRELATED SUBPLOT IDEA TO DISTRACT US LONG ENOUGH FOR THE COPS TO ARIVE!!" Before anyone else could speak, dozens of police cars, S.W.A.T Vans, and over ten military Blackhawk gun ships and helicopters swarmed the sky. It was now the time for the five some to act. They sped off as their enemies were swearing. They immediately followed, who were then followed by the entire LAPD police department and the National Guard.

There's no telling what's going to happen next.

WILL THE FIVESOME ESCAPE IN ONE PIECE? WHO IS THIS SINISTER D.D.? WAS IT WISE TO CALL IN EVERY AVAILABLE GROUND UNIT INTO A GUNSHIP BATTLE? WHY IS BIOSHOCK SO AWESOME? Well I guess everyone knows why…

TUNE IN NEXT EPISODE!!


	8. The Entertainment antichrists

Harry pushed the pedal to the floor, the Entertainment antichrists followed, firing rather inaccurately after them, mowing down polls, trees, cars and other rubbish in a spectacular show of explosions. Bystanders screamed and ran for their lives and scrambled over wreckage and each other. The police attended to the masses as the allied gun ships had dog fights with the enemies. Harry swerved to the right to avoid an out of control bus that was soon blown to pieces by an air to ground missile. Arnold unloaded into the nearest enemy ineffectively and almost with no affect.

"It's no use!" I yelled over the explosions. "They can't be downed by small arms fire! I don't know how to shake them off! Do you have a secret RPG or bazooka or something Harry?"

"No!" Harry said back as he swerved out of the way of a falling tree. "I was about to load up something explosive but the Ram raider had a certain weight limit before it would act like Roseo Donald in a Marathon!"

OH SNAP!!

"Oh really? Man you think if it could manage to carry tank armor and a beefed up engine it could handle a mounted Explosive device of some sort!" said Todd. One of the black hawks went into a tailspin and brought down another in it's ride, one of them spun into the side of another skyscraper with the other took a dive into a nearby smoke stack, the helicopter blew apart into fragments of metal while the smoke stack went into another and then another like dominos before crumbling into bricks and dust before an explosion of fire and flying glass and debris erupted from a building close to the first smokestack and a gas station that was crushed by the last stack in a horrid mess of burning wreckage and fleeing civilians. A bus was then demolished by a spinning helicopter blade. "We've got to think of something quick! Or L.A. would look worse than many of the artistic concept drawings of fallout 3 and Futurama!"

"I think the picture you're thinking of is just a junkyard in Baltimore." Put in Donna.

"IT'S L.A!!"

"ESCAPE IS FUTILE!!" Screamed Jack Thompson In frustration. "YOU WILL BE NOTHING MORE THAN A BURNING PILE OF CRUMPETS AND A STRONG SMELL OF DUTCH CHOCOLATE!!"

"That doesn't really help." Put in Uwe Boll.

"SHUTUP!!"

"DO YOU WANT NAZI INCRUSTED GOLD OR NOT!!?"

"Yes."

"THEN HOW BOUT YOU SHUTUP!!?"

"Yes master. I am nothing without money and politics. And lying."

"Now keep shooting at them!"

"Wait Uwe… is… is that a blockbuster? And a future shop? And an… EBGAMES AND A RECORD STORE?!!"

"Yeah, why?"

"CAN WE DESTROY IT!!?"

"Well… we kinda destroyed 12 percent of the city, I guess we could." With that, the helicopters swerved to the right, heading for the EBgames."

"What do we do!?" I screamed in Terror and hopelessness as the entire sidewalk on the right for an entire block was incinerated by a row of explosions. "WHAT DO WE DO!!??"

Ben stacked a row of new copies of "Medal of Honor" games.

"HEY TRISHA!!" He yelled. "Can you turn the volume down!? The explosions are so loud I can't even picture my own little fantasy of having sweet hot sticky sex with Jennifer Love Hewitt!"

"I TOLD YOU TEN TIMES!!" Trisha yelled from the backroom. "I'M NOT WATCHING A MOVIE!! I'M PRACTICING BLACK MAGIC!!"

"Bull crap Trisha!" You always lie!"

"Well I'm not lying this time!"

"Yes you are!"

"Why don't you come in here then and check it out yourself!?"

"MAYBE I WILL!!" screamed Ben as he strode over to the back room. "AND MAYBE I WILL EAT A SANDWHICH ON THE WAY- wow you actually are doing black magic." Trisha sat in a glowing circle with boxes and soda cans floating about in some sort of ora.

"See I told you."

"Then where are all the explosions coming from?"

"Uh nah nuh."

"That's your excuse for everything… well I guess it's coming from outside."

"You mean the place that we hardly ever go? Isn't our problem…"

"But if it's outside, then no customers would come in… and I wouldn't get the employee of the month award!"

"You always get that award, probably because I accept nothing and solve my problems with black magic."

"You accept money, don't you?"

"Yeah that's the only thing I accept. And black magic can be very helpful too, it helped me shield myself from Fran Dreschers voice. Infact, its protecting the store right now. But I doubt it's protecting us from explosions, I think you need to check it out."

"Why can't you?"

"BEEEcauuuuuuse! Copies of the orange box are floating very high off the ground right now, and if they break we need to fight off more than just halo fan boys."

"You mean half-life nuts!?"

"Yeah, exactly, and they can punch… hard."

"Okay fine!" Ben stormed out of the store. Before stopping in his tracks. "Oh… god…"

"TAKE THAT YOU HORRIBLE STORE OF URBAN DECAY!!" screamed Thompson as he fired a cruise missile into a nearby records store, screams could be heard and then obscured as fragments of debris rained down into the nearby neighborhood. People ran in terror as missiles struck the parking lot and nearby intersections. Chaos erupted as people fled from their cars and homes before they were blown to smithereens. The poor blokes who could not get away in time were sent through the air like rag dolls. Poles and trees fell down, houses went up in flames, cars fell from the sky and concrete and dirt showered over the neighborhood like a storm. It was surely the apocalypse. With Jack Thompson. Who knew?

"Oh god it's my worst fear come true!" Ben ran back into the store. "TRISHA!! GET YOUR GOTHIC ASS OUT HERE AND SHOOT A FIREBALL AT THAT THING!!"

"Ummm… I'm occupied at the moment."

"We can get more orange boxes! Right now the entertainment antichrist is blowing up the neighborhood!"

"Wow that sounds intense… But I can't do it right now."

"Why!?"

"Because my love for the orange box is too strong, and it would take a while for everything to stop floating around. Get whatever you want from the emergency box, I just recently got an RPG-7 in there, you've played a lot of time crisis, shouldn't be too hard."

"OF COURSE!! THANKS TRISHA!!"

"Yeah whatever." Ben clambered over the desk and pulled the emergency box out from under the stack of unopened copies of Judge Dredd and Bad Day L.A and immediately ripped and pulled at the handle, but was shocked as it was just opened.

"THIS IS A FUN NOODLE!!"

"Really? Because I brought it here after I got my nephew a new fun noodle for the pool, they were right in the trunk… Oh I must have got the two mixed up, man he's gonna find this hilarious… I'm not sure about his mom though…"

"Screw it! I'm calling major backup!" With that, Ben picked up a seashell and blew through it, creating a tune."

MEANWHILE… ON THE OTHER SIDE OF L.A.

Snow flake and Pickles were watching Canadian broadcasting.

"I want more cartoons. And watch them when I want to." Said the actor in a crappy Rogers Commercial.

"More paper view movies." Said another.

"A faster internet." Want on another.

"More minutes."

"How about something new to read? We need books right?" Said Michael Bode. Aka. Lookaway.

"What we need is the Rogers bundle. High speed internet, Personal TV, paper view movies." Said the announcer.

"How about a good book? Or how about a good ol' fashioned open the door and go outside, and maybe a good breathe it in?"

"All for 99 dollars,"

"Are you even listening to me!? The reason why no one knows who we are is because you guys never leave the house! It's like a unhealthy LAN party on a hot day in here!"

Rogers Digital cable, where will it take you?

"OH YOU GUYS CAN JUST PLAY ON THE FREEWAY!!" Lookaway stormed out of the room, heading straight into the world of "The outside". DUN DUN DUUUUN!!

(If you have no idea what that was about, I suggest you watch more Canadian TV.)

"Hey these Canadians are pretty good." Commented Snowflake.

The tune that Ben played went through the air. Pickles bolted from his seat.

"THE CALL!! SOMEONES IN TROUBLE!! THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR…"

"For who?" asked Snowflake.

"Can you do a drumroll Snowflake?"

"How about if I just clap my hands?"

"That'll work."

Snowflake clapped her hands.

"THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR SUPER PICKLES!! PICKLES AAWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaay…"

Pickles jumped out the window, falling four stories to the ground.

Ben stood on the spot.

"Why do I even bother?" Ben threw the shell to the ground, shattering it into dozens of pieces. "Looks like I will have to do this myself… OH THERE GOES THE PIZZA HUT!!"

"NO NOT THE PIZZA HUT!!"

"YEAH THE PIZZA HUT!!"

"KICK HIS ASS!!"

Ben leaped into action, grabbing a copy of Gear of War.

"This is all I need."

Jack Thompson rampaged through the district, while the fivesome drove in incoherent directions, avoiding burning wreckage, fleeing innocent people and of course, explosions. Ben strode coolly to the intersection.

"THOMPSOOOOOOOOONNN!!!" He roared in anger. The chopper that Thompson was flying suddenly turned to look down at him.

"Ooohh… who is this?" said Thompson menacingly. "EBgames, eh? Get out of the way… it doesn't matter, EVERONE HERE IS GOING TO DIE!!"

"Aren't you over reacting a little? I mean they are just videogames…" said Ben.

"SILENCE!!" Boomed Thompson before he fired heat seeking missile at the store. Ben was ready. He threw the copy of Gears of War at the missile like a Frisbee, it soared through the air and cut the missile clean in half, it sheer awesomeness was no match for a massive explosive, and it kept on going, straight for the other gunship.

"Is it supposed to do that?" asked Paris. Uwe was about to yell at her, but suddenly the engine of the gunship was ripped apart by the disk. "OH THIS IS SO NOT HOT!!" the Gunship slammed into the ground, sending searing hot metal and flaming debris in all directions.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!!?" roared Thompson In rage. It was only a matter of seconds before his gunship was destroyed by the disk, the gunship spun to the ground, and crashed into a row of parked SUV's. The disk flew back to Ben, who caught it with ease and uninjured. But Uwe Boll And Paris climbed out of the wreck of their machine, injured, but still able to walk.

"Oh this is hot again." Said Paris.

"Oh shut up Paris!" yelled Uwe Boll. But then he turned to Ben. "YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS!!" But before he could even move, the Ram Raider collided into them, sending the two Antichrists into the air, and landing hard on the pavement. Paris was dead. –Pauses as thousands of people cheer- But Uwe Boll got to his feet.

"YOU THINK A SIMPLE SPEEDING CAR CAN KILL ME!!?" Taunted Uwe, but once again before he could do anything, a random pedestrian hit him in the back of the head with a golf club.

"THAT'S FOR RUINING BLOOD RAYNE!!" he screamed in anger. Another Pedestrian hit him in the stomach with a 2x4.

"THAT'S FOR RUINING ALONE IN THE DARK!!" screamed another as she struck him in neck with an iron cane.

"AND THIS IS FOR FARCRY WHICH YOU ARE BOUND TO SCREW UP!!" Yelled another as he struck Uwe's kneecaps with a baseball bat. Uwe was then swarmed by angry gamers. Thompson watched in shock.

"THIS!!" he yelled. "THIS IS THE KIND OF VIOLENCE THAT I'M TRYING TO STOP!!"

"Hey F—K you man!" Swore an angry gamer with a long pipe. "Games don't screw us up! Banning games and messing up movies do!"

"And if you think we're pissed! You should check out those angry and disgruntled anime fans!" said another as he pointed to a group of marauding people armed with books.

"THERE HE IS!!" screamed one of them as he held up a copy of Ranma.

"KILL HIM!!"

Thompson jumped out of the way as dozens of people threw manga at Alfred Kahn, paper and comics whizzing by and by, hitting their target with sheer force. Kahn fell to the ground, covered i nsevere paper cuts. One Yu-Gi-Oh fan walked up to him. With the manga in hand.

"Who isn't reading now, B---h?" he said right as he threw the book into Kahns face, the cut was so epic it killed him instantly. Thompson jumped back, all his allies were dead. Except for the ones who are about to be unleashed. He pulled out a walkie-talkie.

"GUARD!! EVERYONES DEAD!! SEND REINFORCMENTSNOW!!"

"Chill out Jack."

"I'm a politician Guard! I can't chill out or I'll explode!"

"The Bauman's are on their way, just hang on until they get there!"

"STOP ASKING FOR HELP JACK AND FIGHT ME!!" Ben screamed at him, his fists shaking in anger. Thompson threw the talkie away.

"You want to fight?" he asked. "I'll show you your-"

"Have you ever noticed?" Ben asked calmly. Thompson stared at him.

"Noticed what?"

"That we are kicking ass in the middle east?" Thompson jumped back in shock.

"What did you say?" Thompson gulped, seemingly in pain.

"I said, We. Are. Kicking ass. In The Middle East." Thompson grabbed his chest in pain.

"NO!! STOP IT!! STOP LYING!! Ben pulled out the latest flavored Doritos.

"Mmmmm… these lime cheese Doritos are delicious."

"NO THEY TASTE LIKE SPICEY HOT BAKED ASS!!"

"Area 51 is just an office complex and massive private Airport."

"NOOO!! THE ALIENS COME BY EVERY SATUDAY AND HAVE POKER WITH HUMANS THERE AND OCCASIONALLY FLY AROUND AND ABDUCT PEOPLE AND ANAL PROBE THEM!! THEN WE LATER LAUGH ABOUT IT AND GET DRUNK!!"

"Did you know that scientology is the way to go?"

"NO!! IT'S A PYRAMID SCHEME!!" Thompson's knees buckled, sending him to the ground.

"Everybody just looooooooooooooooves Americans!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo…." Thompson suddenly burst into flames! His body flailing and then crumbling into ashes. The fivesome got out of the car, surveying the damage.

"Ben!" I screamed in delight. "I didn't know you cared!"

"Of course I care!" Ben said in a small shock. "It's Jack Freakin Thompson.

"But how did you defeat him?" Asked Trisha, who just returned from her black magic practice.

"Simple." Started Ben. "Politicians love to lie, they can't help it, but they cannot stand being lied to. It tears them apart from the inside, sometime gooey, sometimes fiery, sometimes explody, sometimes heart attacky but occasionally acceptable… before they shoot themselves." The roar of a jet engine swept over them, right above the mess, was a fighter jet.

"HEEERRRRESSS BAUMAN!!" A voice roared from the cockpit. With another loud speaker.

"Bauman's, Eric, Bauman's." Came another voice.

"Bauman sounds cooler." A sudden realization swept over everyone at the scene.

"ERIC BAUMAN!!?" screamed the crowd.

"That is correcting foolish outside dwellers! It is I! Eric! Bauman!"

"What do you want?" I yelled to him.

"I only want one thing. To-"

"To destroy us and take over our website, yeah I've heard it from everyone." Said Donna. "Look, you can take our stupid website, and our entire staff. We don't even know why it's so important! But All we want is our god damn COKE!!" The Bauman's burst into laughter.

"You stubborn little Outside dweller girl! You shall not get any coke of any kind!"

"What is your problem?" asked one man from the crowd.

"I have a problem with the outside world! And that I can't do anything so that's why I steal everything! And that I have an extremely small P-"

"Okay seriously, you really need a girlfriend." Said Donna in disgust.

"SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!! You shall feel the wrath of my jet!" There was a long pause. "Dad how do you fire heat seeking missiles?"

"Gee Eric, I don't know, there's a lot of buttons. I told you we should have bought the manual."

"And pay the extra 2.50? Do you think we are made of money? Lets just button mash until something happens!" I a few seconds, the jet soared over them at super sonic speeds!

"OH CRAP IT'S THE SONIC BOOST!!"

"DAD I CAN'T STOP IT!! BUTTON MASHING IS MAKING THIS THING GO FASTER!!" The jet was Screaming along the L.A. Skyline, heading straight for the Hollywood sign.

"I REGRET NOTHING!!"

"I REGRET WATCHING REIGN OF FIRE!!"

The jet pulverized the sign, exploding into a monstrous fireball of dirt and steel. Two police officers stationed on a road nearby surveyed the destruction and smoking remains the battlefield.

"Always on Mondays." One of them said.

WHAT WILL THE FIVESOME DO NEXT!!? WHO ELSE WILL STAND IN THEIR WAY!!? IS AREA 51 ACTUALLY A PRIVATE AIRPORT AND OFFICE COMPLEX!!? WERE YOU RECENTLY UBDUCTED AND ANAL PROBED!!? CALL 1-800-Analprobingsucks.

Kudos to Lookaway for his brief cameo appearance.

TUNE IN NEXT EPISODE!!


	9. Phone call of shortness

D.D. Gawked at the carnage from his office, which is also his house. His thugs did the same.

"There goes 850 Million American dollars we'll never see again." Said one thug. "Hey D.D, I thought you said they won't fail?"

"Well things Change!" D.D. spat. "All of you, Leave my office!" The thugs complied. D.D. slumped back into his chair. His head digging for new ideas as smoke temporarily blocked out the sun. The four have done great things in one day, they've traveled all over L.A. and slaughtered hundreds. But… We have killed nothing more than Innocent people. We haven't even critically injured one of them or anyone allied with them. Sending down hundreds of thugs was just suicide. He needed to deal with this… personally. D.D. got up and strolled over to the sofa and pulled the case out from under it. Still in mint condition.

"Soon…" D.D. Muttered. "Soon…"

MEANWHILE, MILLIONS OF INCHES AWAY…

Ben handed me a copy of Call of Juarez. A small feeling inched its way into my stomach, which then acted like Donnas cooking and spewed out of my mouth, except with sheer happiness.

"Now we just need to get our coke back and this would be the holy grail of good days!"

"I wouldn't really call it a good day, Adam." Put in Ben. The police force scattered the area, along with the Armed forces and rescue efforts. They didn't even take notice to a heavily modified sports car. Suddenly, a payphone rang. I went over to answer it, but Donna stopped me.

"Adam! Wait!" she shouted. "Have you ever seen the movie Phone Booth?"

"Yeah we both saw it," I answered. "It was horrible."

"I know," she said back. "But it taught us to never answer a payphone, because you'll be pinned down by a sniper and everyone will think you did it."

"Oh come off it Donna!" I retaliated. "What are the odds of that happening?"

"Well…"

I answered.

"Dammit Adam!"

"Hello?"

"Hello Adam. It's D.D."

"Wow… how did you know I would answer?"

"Plot holes."

"Oh."

"I have watched the four of you, watched your work, watched your mindless Anarchy. And for what? A case of Cocoa Cola. I knew it would get your attention, but not to this extent. What does it matter to you? Risking your life so you can save twenty dollars? OR!! Save your coke so you can run the stupid website of yours!"

"Hey! Our website is… okay. It gets us money, doesn't it?"

"For you, maybe."

"Hey! How did you know I only got paid?"

"Don't you get it Adam!? I knew your weak spot! And I know all about the office, Neopet's and your life. I used to work for you, you stupid Limey."

"HEY!! That isn't very nice!"

"Well maybe because I'm not a very nice person! You have got me even more enraged due to the damage you've caused! Fox will pay the damages without a sweat, but the employers of the place now suspect something, especially since they are already paying for destroyed car rentals. I can't run this place anymore. Come to Fox Plaza as soon as you can, no one will stop you. Just get here. I will explain everything. And… I will solve everything."

D.D hung up. I turned to the others.

"Well?" asked Donna Curiously. "What is it?"

"It was D.D, he wants to meat us personally. And Kill us personally."

"We can take Theese leetile mon!" Yelled Arnold Triumphantly. His fist shot into the air in a lame manner.

"I don't know Arnold." Said Todd cautiously. "This stories coming to a close, I think he has something in mind."

"We are not leaving without you!" said Ben. Urging Trisha forward. "That ass munch ordered that psycho to destroy the pizza hut! We can't let this injustice pass without a face smashing!"

"I don't want to go." Said Trisha.

"Buffy the vampire slayer was lame and the game was cancelled." Said Ben calmly. Trisha winced in pain.

"Oh okay fine!" spurted Trisha in anger. "Just… just don't say Cancelled!" She winced in pain. "Dammit!"

"TEEHEE!!" laughed Donna. "Peoples injuries and stupidity are endless sources of amusement!"

"They also keep this plot Ripe." Put in Ben.

"I'll drive." Cut in Harry. "But once we get there, I'm leaving. I want to play Bioshock."

I agreed.

The seven of us crammed into the Car and went on our way to Fox Plaza.

WHAT IS THIS!! THE SHORTEST CHAPTER YET!! IT'S THE SIGN OF THE APOCAYLPES!! RUUUN AWAY!! RUN AWAY!!

Not really. But…

Will the heroes arrive in time? Will D.D totally lie and send down hundreds of thugs? Will Bioshock ever stop being so awesome? And why does High school still suck?

TUNE IN NEXT EPISODE!!

It will be longer, trust me :D


	10. Fox plaza Shenanigans

The car grinded to a halt with the screeching of tires. The Fox Building loomed above them, casting a shadow of Evil over L.A.

"Well I just crapped my pants." Said Ben Rather abruptly. "And isn't it kinda strange how the police don't really care about us anymore? It's like we are all in some sort of cartoon where if police interfered people wouldn't watch it."

"Shut up leetile mon!" Ordered Arnold, hitting Ben with his pinky finger.

"Finally," Said Donna in Awe, staring at the monster building transfixed. "Finally we know where our coke went. But I'm really glad that this hasn't been edited by 4kids or the ending would totally suck and this whole thing would be ten minutes long. It's also a sign that this thingamabob is almost over."

"Hey if we get the coke back, Can you guys share?" Asked Trisha.

"Actually…" I said slowly. "Me and Donna were sorta keeping it for ourselves, you know, we paid for it and all." The rest objected with yelling and swearing. "And this is also part of the plot where everyone fights over something incredibly stupid."

"Oh god."

"It's true! IT'S TRUE!!"

"NO!!"

"Oh my, I can so see it."

"Does this make us lame?"

"No way!"

"Okay this inside joke is getting out of hand. Stop it."

The seven…some… Tumbled out of the car. Harry stopped in front of them.

"Okay I red the script!" Blurted out Harry without warning. The rest looked on in confusion.

"This plot has a script!?" Donna asked, dumbfounded.

"Yeah Apparently. BUT!! Fifty percent of it did not happen due to your actions and complete disregard for common sense. FlippedoutKyrii has even stated that this is the place where stupid plots go to die. AND!! It also says… says…" Harry flipped through a collection of papers. "That… okay… like all cartoons, the bad guy lies and sends goons off to do his work for him instead of getting off his fat ass and doing it himself. Have you noticed that in like… every cartoon never made? Except for certain Anime. And also… FlippedoutKyrii wants to wrap this all up in a silk cloth so he can play Bioshock again and laugh at Dan's little brother's stupidity and almost unbelievable homosexuality-"

"Your off-topic, Harry." Said Ben.

"Oh okay. Yeah that seems to happen a lot, even faster on forums. Anyway… This is also part of the script where I attempt to leave but you guys get me to follow you for some retarded cause with the promise of cake… which no one seems to get because IT'S A DAMN LIE!!"

"Harry!" I shouted in frustration. "Today! And your constant topic drifting is even worse than forums from the deepest pits of the internet run by a bunch of foulmouthed autistic eight year olds!"

"Dammit, Okay… Okay I have it set straight… Screw you guys I'm getting out of here."

"Isn't that kindaaaaaaaaa…. Sudden?" Asked Todd curiously.

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"We don't care."

"YOU GUYS ARE THE WORST COMPANIONS EVER!!" Shouted Harry. "I know we are not trying to be cliché but GOD!! I saved your rear ends like… twenty times! You should at least care about me at least a little-"

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF CRAP JUST GET INTO THE BUILDING!!" Boomed a voice from the clouds menacingly.

"Wow you pissed off the writer." Commented Trisha. "Let's just go before he decides to kill us all or make an anti-climax.

…

This is a sign that I'm running out of ideas… O.O

…

One plothole and disappointing script later…

The six entered the building. The steps lead to a lobby layered with marble and columns that reached to the ceiling. Everything shined, if only their programming and broadcasting were shiny, then they would be in for a big "WIN!!", but of course that is nowhere to be seen. A statue of Bart Simpson clutching a skateboard stood in the center of the lobby. Its shine and sparkle could be described only through twenty dollar words and a look through of Wikipedia. Because I'm just to gosh darn lazy to describe such things. You probably realized now that I didn't put much detail into this thing because it's not a very big priority. Aw what the hell… Its better then homework!

"Wow if onlee Thee peed moore attention too theeare veooers than theeare building." Commented Arnold in awe. Suddenly, the lights went out.

"Wow what an odd coincidence." Said Trisha. "Well… since Pokemon, nothing is."

On cue, the door on the left side of the room opened. Out stepped Dick Cheney.

…

…

WHAT DA FK!!?

The six stared at him in silence and awe, but then Arnold spoke up.

"What do yoo want leetile mon? I though I told Yoo too not come near mee afta that leetile shooteeng inceedent!?"

"The lawsuit was a lie!" Barked Dick. "Just like that cake!"

"FOOLISH IDIOTS!!" Howled a voice over the intercom. "IT IS I!! D.D!!"

"Yeah we sorta figured that. I mean…" Donna Paused. "Is anyone else here?"

"NO!!" Yelled D.D. "THEY ARE ON LUNCH BREAK!!"

"Why does everyone in this fanfic like to yell?" Asked Ben Curiously.

"SHUT UP WITH YOUR COMMON SENSE!!" Ordered D.D. "YOU HAVE STEPPED INTO MY TRAP LIKE A FLY AND A SPIDER WEB!! IT WAS PERFECT, CUNNING THINKING THAT GOT YOU INTO MY LAIR!!"

"What cunning!?" Objected Todd. "All you did was say that there wasn't going to be a trap!"

"AND IT WORKED!!"

"No we didn't! We thought it was so clichéd that you wouldn't sink so low!"

D.D didn't speak.

"You…" Mumbled D.D. "You didn't expect anything at all?"

The six nodded. With that. D.D burst into laughter

"OH GOD!!" Choked D.D. "I… I JUST CAN'T BLOODY BELIEVE IT!! IT'S OKAY DICK!! YOU CAN LAUGH TOO!!"

Dick Cheney burst into salty tears followed by childish laughter.

"HOLD ON I'M GONNA GO CALL THE GUARD!!" Button's could be heard mashed into a phone. "Hold on… HEY GUARD!! GUESS WHAT!!?"

…

"Oh… You're busy? Oh… okay… okay… No no no! I can tell you later… Oh you just got it out of the oven? Okay… put it down… Okay do whatever you need so the cookies wouldn't totally screw up… Yeah I'd like some… okay do you want to hear? Yeah… they didn't expect a trap! I KNOW!! I'm bursting too! Yeah… what?

…

No… Um… Last time I've checked the Fox Rocket ship is not ready… yeah I think another few years and a little bit more tax payers money would do it… we need to stop beefing up the whole entrance hall. Okay I'll talk to you later."

D.D Hung up. But went back onto the intercom system.

"You can kill them now Dick."

"Can I use the Spaceballs Flamethrower!?" Cried Dick in delight.

"Yeah sure… Whatever floats your boat." Answered D.D. Dick squealed like a little girl in a candy shop. He then pulled the Spaceballs flamethrower out of his pants. He smiled before he sent a wave of flames in the hero's direction. They dashed behind a marble column for safety.

"What do we do!?" demanded Donna, not wanting to burn her hair.

"I'VE GOT ONE!!" Shouted Trisha, the sound of an idea in her voice. She summoned an ice shield four feet long and eight feet high next to the column.

"I learned that from Bullet Witch!" exclaimed Trisha, proud of herself, before… you know… the ice melted.

"Man this also reminds me that I don't want to play it again. I've got to play better games."

"Yeah Trisha even if it didn't melt it would have taken ages to get across, and by then he would have gone around the shield." I commented rather rudely.

"We could wait until he runs out of fuel!" Ben offered.

"Ben, this is a fanfiction that… right now is parodying action cartoons." Said Trisha, taking down Ben's idea. "By now people should realize the clichés and jokes earlier."

"CRAP!!" Exclaimed Ben in anger. Suddenly, Dick stopped.

"MY CHENEY SENSES ARE TINGLING!!" Shouted Dick. "Oh wait its just indigestion." Dick suddenly gasped. Harry Whittington approached him slowly. "OH MY GOD A DEER!!" Dick stared at Whittington in fear and shock for about a minute. But then Whittington pulled out a 30. M1 Carbine and shot Dick multiple times before he fell facedown on the floor and burst into flames from leaking fuel. Whittington gawked at Dick's body for about ten seconds.

"Damn Dick, You scared the crap out of me." Said Whittington calmly. "I thought you were a bear!"

"Hey we ditched a Harry and we got a new Harry!" I exclaimed, rather confused but at least trying to go along with it, I went this far into this plot with yelling WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON… wait did I say that out loud?

…

No? Okay.

"I have conveniently disabled the security grid."

"Hey thanks complete political stranger which I have never met in my entire life!" Donna thanked. "Where's the elevator?"

"It's over there, but it has been inconveniently blocked off by fallen marble."

"But what about the one over there?"

"It has been inconveniently rigged."

"Is there any elevator's in the building?"

"No, the stairs are free, because an elevator is a cliché in action cartoons." The heroes moaned in despair. But then reluctantly went up the staircase. To finally end all this…

…

Next chapter…

WILL D.D ACT STUPID AGAIN AND TOTALLY REIGN DOWN UPON THE HEROES EFFORTS? WILL ADAM AND DONNA GET THEIR COKE BACK? WHO IS THIS GUARD? AND WHY DID HARRY SHOOT DICK… Oh wait it's pretty much self explanatory…

TUNE IN NEXT EPISODE!!


	11. Zee office of doom

The heroes trudged their way up the steps.

"How much longer!?" I complained. "We've been climbing off screen for like ten seconds!"

"Right now." Said Harry as he opened a door. "It was of course off screen. If FlippedoutKyrii described it everyone would just leave as there wouldn't be many jokes. And it would just be the same description over and over again."

"And not to mention a snap at a celebrity that acted stupid recently." Put in Donna.

"I am Hardlee geeting anyee Moore lines!" Howled Arnold in frustration.

"Yeah I've noticed that too." Said Donna. "Apparently Kyrii's getting tired of writing your dialogue. And it is also part of the Parody Fanfic or web comic where the creator pokes fun at himself."

"Really?" asked Trisha Curiously. "You mean he would actually sink that low?"

"Not really, everyone does it. But he usually just smashes his head against the way until he either passes out or breaks through into his sister's room."

"Well that's kinda sad."

"Well, life is sad."

The heroes entered the room, but Harry stayed where he stood.

"Are you coming?" Asked Ben.

"Are you kidding me?" Snapped Harry. "This whole thing is retarded and gay. You guys can go die over a case of coke." Harry then turned around and went back where he came from. But immediately went back up and down another hall. "Screw that I'm taking an elevator." The heroes thought for a second, confused.

"OH YEAH!! THE COKE!! I cried.

"Yeah I've been loosing my focus on what we were doing this for." Said Donna, looking down at her feet. After the realization, the group bypassed the waiting room and entered the office, which was completely empty.

"Why do all the bad guys run!?" Exclaimed Todd. "What is this? The return of Doctor sloth?"

"Yeah… well…" Stammered Donna. "We never actually got around to doing that…" Donna was cut off by the cracking of the intercom.

"Well… well… well…" Repeated D.D's voice. "It appears you knew perfectly well that the elevator was rigged with ten pounds of your banned plushies that tend to explode when you sing the Canadian national anthem in German Backwards."

"Hey we didn't actually think someone would do something-"

"Silence!" Barked D.D. "Jeez! We aren't gonna go anywhere if you keep interrupting your enemies! It's not only rude, it's insulting!"

…

"We didn't know that."

"OF COURSE YOU DON'T!! Your just too busy with your friggin Neopet's website to notice that your pissing off more than your customers and fans! I mean common! Neobucks? You have to pay thirty dollars to get three grand? COME ON!!"

"We didn't come here to be criticized!" I Yelled. "Although I think we kinda deserve it… WHERE THE HELL IS OUR COKE!!?"

"Oh the coke?" D.D. Paused. "Oh! It's up here! With me! You know… I wouldn't just leave it down there where you can just take it and leave…"

"Where are you now!?" Demanded Ben, just as impatient as the rest.

"I'm on the roof! If you want your coke back, you must follow me up the completely unnecessarily placed staircase in order to meet me."

"Why do you have a staircase in your office?" Trisha asked.

"It sounded like a nice idea at the time, I think it was a complete waste of charity funds."

…

…

"Yeah, FOX is pretty evil."

"I don't know about you guys." I said. "But I'm getting very tired of walking up and down and all over the city just because the bad guy is either too wimpy or lazy to actually fight us until we meet in a final showdown."

"Hey there's a bowl of slim jims over there!" Donna pointed in delight.

"REALLY!!?"

"Oh man you guys better not be touching my slim jims down there!" Howled D.D. in anger.

"Oh we totally are!" Screamed Trisha. The heroes gorged themselves.

"OH THAT IS IT!! YOU GUY'S ARE F---ING DEAD!!" D.D. howled again.

"Yeah we get that a lot."

"You come up here right now and it will end quickly!"

"You know we would just kick your butt, because in every single-"

"SILENCE!!"

…

"You know that doesn't actually get us to be quiet-"

"OH you know what!? Screw this! Take your time!" The intercom crackled as it turned off.

"Well, it appears that our coke is very close! Finally we can end this stupid story and do something better with our time!"

"Well…" I started. "It looks like-"

…

WILL THE HEROES GET THEIR COKE BACK?

…

"HOLD ON!! I wasn't finished!"

…

WHO IS THIS EVIL D.D?

…

"CAN YOU LET ME FINSIH!!?"

…

WHEN WILL CHRISTMAS COME THIS WAY?

…

"THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE-"

…

WHEN WILL THIS STUPID STORY END?

…

"I DON'T KNOW!! MAYBE IF YOU JUST LET US MEET D.D-"

…

TUNE IN NEXT EPISODE!!

…

"AW MAN!! IT'S GONNA BE LIKE THREE WEEKS!!"


	12. Zee standoff of dissapointment

The heroes piled out of the door. D.D's office led to… the Fox plaza helipad. And there he was, D.D, Clutching the coke they have spent vigorous amount of time trying to retrieve. Suddenly, I realized something.

"DOUG DOHRING!!?" I screamed in shock.

…

INTERMISSION!!

For those of you who have not heard of Doug Dohring, please stop reading this and type up his name on Wikipedia. I'm serious, don't continue reading and search him up! Do it!

Okay, once you've finished reading his whole page, you can continue reading.

…

"YES!!" Doug roared. "IT IS I!!"

"SO YOU ARE THE EVIL MENACE THAT IS D.D!!" Donna cried.

"YES!!"

…

"Ooooo…. Kay… Doug what do you want?"

"What do you mean?"

"Doug, you stole our coke. We want it back, but didn't you want to explain to us WHAT EXACTLY IS YOUR PROBLEM!!?"

"Oooo… THAT!! You should know exactly what my problem is!"

"No we don't! All we know is that you sold our website to MTV!!" I spoke up.

"EXACTLY!! That is exactly why! You guys don't know what I've been going through! After I sold the site, the users started to do other things, like Wikipedia, video games, high school, holidays! But most of all Wikipedia!"

"What!?" What did Wikipedia do!?" Todd asked, defending the great website.

"Oh what did it do? IT DID A LOT!! People dug up juicy info on me after giving a private investigator ten dollars and a steak dinner. They posted it on Jerkipedia-"

"Oh that's mature"

"People began to realize who I was! A SCIENTOLOGIST!!"

"Oh, so this is because of some piss stupid belief." I said, somewhat relieved.

"NO its not! Christianity makes no sense!"

"Okay okay okay okay! Let's tally this up! Christianity is about a saint who died and came back to life as a zombie and told everyone if he ate his flesh and drank his blood their sins would be forgiven, while Scientology is about some alien overlord who hated other aliens and decided to kill them all with absolutely no resistance and dump their souls into a volcano where, once it erupted, their souls spread across the globe and possessed every single human being and told them to create religions, inventions, politics, wars and YEAH!! MAKES PERFECT SENSE!!"

"This is exactly why I broke down! Because everyone didn't understand!"

"WE UNDERSTAND!! IT'S JUST A STEAMING PILE OF CRAP!!

"With money going down, I could no longer silence people's opinions, it drove me mad! People were free to express their feelings toward Scientology and me!"

"Doug, hardly anyone even knows who you are and what you do."

"My madness consumed me, I had to get back at the very people who betrayed me, YOU!!"

"Us? Doug! We had nothing to do with MTV taking over the company!"

"YES YOU DID!! YOU DIDN'T FEND THEM OFF WITH LAWSUITS!!"

"Doug they gave us a generous offer, we needed the money and we couldn't let it down. And we were very happy afterwards! Until Adam mixed up the paychecks with Monopoly money." Donna Explained.

"Don't bring it up!"

"Adam, I only brought it up twice."

Doug cleared his throat.

"I soon learned that destroying the building would be too simple, and hacking into The pentagon to declare the Neopet's office a threat too national security was not Feng Shui."

"Wait, Hacking into the Pentagon is not Feng Shui, blowing up our building was too simple, but Stealing our precious coke and sending us on a marry goose chase all over L.A is a good idea?"

"Well… Yeah but-"

"Have you ever considered prank calling us?" Donna Asked, perplexed. "I mean COMEON!! This isn't even about the coke anymore-"

"IT'S ABOUT YOU-"

"Yeah fine! But what you don't see is how much people you have effect with this ridiculous masquerade of stupidity! What were you even trying to accomplish!? Countless innocent people have died because you got fired and people thought your religion was a big excuse for getting extra money!"

"I KILLED JACK THOMPSON FOR GOODNESS SAKE!!" Ben Screamed.

"Ben you're saying that like it's a bad thing." Trisha told Ben.

"Oh."

"It doesn't matter now! All those stupid celebrities! They were small fry! The coke was small fry! The president of china town! The incredibly stupid shootouts! The lack of police interference! ALL SMALL FRY!! YOU!! ARE THE BIG FRIED FISH!! YOU WILL ALL DIE TODAY!!"

…

"Fine." I said, accepting it. "Fine. Kill us."

"AND ANOTHER THING what the fudge?" Doug stopped in his tracks.

"Kill us. But what will you do next? You just blew up half of the city and the marines will not take kindly to your demands, if you have any. What will you gain from killing us? Yeah sure, we are all dead, but what will you do about the incoming force of America?"

…

"I never actually thought of that, but since this story parodies Anime, The cops are gonna take awhile due to the reaction time."

"Damn."

"It doesn't matter Donna!" I said, impatient. "Look! We've had a long day! If you give up now, we won't have to kick your ass as hard!"

"But I thought you told me to kill ya'll?"

"Like the cake, that was a lie. I would have thrown a knife at you. But seriously, you got us here just to chat, your worse than the girly side of Russell Crow who never comes out in public because Russell Crow is too awesome!"

"And gay." Snickered Arnold.

"SHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh!!" Snapped Trisha.

"Oh I'll shoosh you leetile girl!"

"WHY MUST You… Okay I'm tired of arguing, GUARD!!" Doug shouted. A door opened not far from where the group stood, there, Tom Cruise came into the light. "You may have guns and a will to live, BUT I HAVE TOM CRUISE!!"

The group chuckled.

"Tom Cruise? You picked Tom Cruise? He sucks!" Giggled Donna.

"Of course he sucks!" Doug barked. "But his only true piece of art is… I HAVE THE FEW GOOD MEN SCRIPT!! DUN DUN DUUN!!"

"What?" I said, horrified. "Where… where did you get that?!"

"I have my ways. And I also know your… true gift…"

"My… my true gift?"

"Yes Adam! I know you are quite the Guitar Hero! And Tom Here has been practicing. And practicing, until there would be absolutely no point in practicing because by then the game would feel lame! TOM CRUISE IS NOW THE GUITAR HERO!! With the help of the Few good men script of course. And he's only good at it once the script is in range."

"Adam." Donna whispered. "This butt hole really has us in a pickle, I say we should just shoot him and end this all right now!"

"No Donna. I. Am. The Guitar Hero. We shall finish this with an acceptable ending instead of ruining this already awful story. We shall finish this with style. Now where's my guitar?"

WILL ADAM END THIS ALL? WILL TOM CRUISE GO CRAZY AGAIN? WILL ARNOLD GET ANY MORE LINES? HAVE I STOPPED BEING FUNNY?

TUNE IN NEXT EPISODE!!

Most likely next year, because School is almost over and I want to play outside in the new deep snow. Happy holidays everyone! And have a happy new year!


	13. GUITAR HERO :D

Adam and Tom stood up as tall as they could with their guitars firmly in their hands.

"Now here are the rules!" Doug announced. "The player with the highest stars rating and the least mistakes WINS THE MATCH!! But we all know who that person is, Tom.

"Chuck Norris." Tom said.

"NO YOU IDIOT!! IT'S YOU!!"

"My name is Tom."

"Whatever. If it wasn't for that Few Good Men script I would have said That Britney spears sister's career had more life in it than yours."

"Thank you Mr. President."

"How deed that leetile Mon get out of high sckoo anyway?" Arnold asked, perplexed.

"This is California Arnold." Ben said.

"Oh yeah."

-Hate mail alert initiated-

"I can take you down anytime." I spat at Tom.

"You can take you down anytime." Tom spat back.

"Well then you… wait what?"

"Tom!" Howled Doug. "I command you to stop being so stupid! And if you were wondering Adam, The song you are playing to is "FreeBird". I know! I'm so evil!"

"Isn't that song, like, nine minutes long?" Trisha asked curiously.

"Exactly!"

"Huh," I huffed. "I can take it."

"ON EXPERT MODE!!"

I gasped, along with everyone else. Except for Tom because he can't get anything into his stupid skull that doesn't begin with "Money" or "Scientology".

"Expert mode!?"

"Yeah, ain't I just full of this evil?"

"No your not, your just a cartoon villain that hasn't accomplished anything but stealing our coke and wasting our time with this stupid plot. And I also see how you put up a storyline barrier to keep out the military and Special Forces so they won't interfere with the script."

"I am going to win." Chuckled Tom.

"No you're your not." I said.

"No your are."

"Well then… STOP DOING THAT!! STOP BEING SO STUPID!!"

"You… stop being so stupid… Scientology… peanut butter… Poutine… briefcases… pie… Monies… I'm going to win…. monies"

"YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN!! YOU HAVEN'T EVEN PLAYED GUITAR HERO BEFORE!! IF IT WASN'T FOR THAT STUPID SCRIPT YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE!!"

…

"Monies…"

"Damn, it's like talking to a special 6 year old boy after he just ate cake laced with Ritalin."

"LET THE GAME BEGIN!!" Doug cried.

Everything went smoothly for me, but with that script in hand, Tom was incredible, almost inhuman. He hit every key perfectly, he rocked like a true rocker, and he danced to the beat as perfectly as me like when I play DDR…

…

But that's another story…

"Oh no!" Donna whined. "Adam is doomed!"

"Not as doomed as us." Added Todd.

"What chu talkin bout Todd?"

"Look at the facts, Adam is the true Guitar hero, but Tom is also the guitar hero, even better with that script. But once they reach the bass boost halfway in, the awesomeness would be devastating."

"How devastating?"

"Once they reach the bass boost, the shockwave will travel all over the globe. Everything as far as Nevada will be wiped off the face of the earth!"

"WHAT!!?"

"The shockwave will create a wave MILES high! Earthquakes will destroy America and Canada, and everything on the coast will be annihilated! Australia, Japan, Indonesia, The Philippians, New Zealand and Hawaii will disappear under a massive wave-

"But this means the coke will be destroyed as well!"

"Yes, but-"

"WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING!!"

"But Donna!" Interrupted Ben. "We can't interrupt TWO guitar heroes facing off! The blast will kill us all! And destroy the coke!"

"I've got an Idea." Trisha said.

"You do?"

"Yes, I thought it was stupid once I was watching War of The Worlds, I thought 'Wow, this movie is terrible, I must steal the script of this thing and change it so that I can rewrite it and turn it into a remake that is actually good." Trisha then pulled a long notebook out of her left boot. "I stole it just last week! But then forgot about it after that 24 marathon. I remembered it just now!"

"Good work Trisha!" Applauded Ben as he took the notebook. "But take a shower once everything is done. You smell like moldy pork rinds stuffed into a dead fish on a hot day."

"I don't smell that bad."

Todd ran to the edge of the helicopter landing pad with Slim Jims in hand. "HEY DOUG!!" Hey yelled. "SLIM JIMS!!"

Doug's ears perked. "Slim Jims?" He muttered. Todd then tossed a few Slim Jims over the railing and landing in separate locations across the gravel laden rooftop. "NOOOOOooooo!! THEY ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT TO ME AS SCIENTOLOGY AND MONEY!!" Doug vaulted over the railing and went for the bait. "NOW!!" Todd howled. Ben Jumped into the fray with the script in hand. He would have done it quickly but due to Tom's stupidity he just took his sweet time before switching the scripts. Suddenly, Tom's performance went from, in the words of my friend Dan, From "WOOT" to "BLEH!!" Tom was off-key, he was making mistake after mistake, and his incredible performance went from five stars to zero. I raged on, hitting every single note correctly once the bass boosted. It was almost like an eternity, but the song finally ended with one last guitar grind. I won. Tom fell to his knees. The heroes cheered. Doug was busy finding his Slim Jims. And Britney spears just suffered a stroke from all those checker's hamburgers. Donna squealed with delight and hugged me with all her might.

"Adam! I never knew winning a game of guitar hero could make you look so sexy!" She squeaked.

"I didn't know either." I admitted.

"Stop deevelopeeng a relatoonship you too!" Bellowed Arnold. "We need too geet that Coke!"

"What co- Oh yeah!" Me and Donna separated and bolted for the coke that was lying on the opposite side of the helipad. But then.

"NOBODY MOVE!!" Boomed Doug. They heroes turned, in his hands was a hefty grenade launcher. "Step away from the coke! NOW!!"

"Doug! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!?" I screeched. "This is too far off script! Do you know what will happen once you go too far! TERRIBLE THING'S WILL HAPPEN TO US ALL!!"

"Bullcrap!"

"No Doug." Said Tom, calmly but with surprising intelligence. "Adam is right, you're going too far."

"I AM NOT GOING TOO FAR!!"

"Doug, Poot that leetile Mon gun down and listen too yoor common sense!"

"NO!!"

"Doug, for the love of humanity, if you do anything else, YOU'LL DOOM US ALL!!" Howled Trisha in terror.

"NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN!!"

"Doug! No! The higher powers will rain down hell!"

"F—K THE HIGHER POWERS!!" Swore Doug in anger. The heroes and Tom Gasped. The building started to shake, and the sky clogged with clouds and lighting.

"YOU DEMENTED FOOL!!" I screamed in terror. The clouds over Fox plaza shifted, beaming down a bright light that consumed the building. The clouds stopped moving, and the lighting stopped… doing what lightning usually does. Time itself has stopped outside the light.

"Doug." Boomed a voice from the sky. "Stop this foolishness now and surrender, which is how the script goes."

"I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD!!"

"I'm not god you silly little man. I am the writer." The heroes gasped. "Shut up."

"The writer?"

"Yeah the writer."

"YOU'RE NAME SUCKS!!"

"Okay now you're just insane Doug!" Barked Tom. The voice sighed.

"My name originates from my Neopet, who is a Kyrii. He always demanded sugar that looked suspiciously like cocaine almost all the time."

"Told you we should have taken out the sugar." Donna Whispered to me.

"But on a higher note, if you insult me again, I'll come down there."

"I don't believe in crackpot theories."

"Doug, stop it."

"NO!! YOU'RE JUST A STUPID CANADIAN WHO WROTE THE STORY WITH A FRIEND AT A CAMP!!"

"Doug. Last warning."

"DOUG!!" HEED HIS WARNING!!" Screeched Trisha.

"Yeah, heed my warning.

"SCREW YOU!! XENU SHALL EAT YOUR FACE!!"

There was an eerie silence.

"Oh you F—king didn't." The light intensified. The heroes shielded their faces. When the light died down. Three teenagers stood infront of Doug.

"Hello Doug." Spoke the teenager with the beanie.

"Are… are you the… writer?" FlippedoutKyrii Nodded. "But then… Who are those guys?"

"We are the executive producers."

"Those are my… No your not!"

"Yes we are!"

"No your not! You're just the Beta Readers!"

"We like to be called the executive producers."

"If I call you the executive producers will you shut up?"

"Yes."

"Fine, those are my Executive producers… Hey why are you pointing your stupid grenade launcher at us?" Doug has his grenade launcher fixed on the three.

"I may be a scientologist addicted to money and my beliefs, but I do know the sheer destruction I can cause by killing the higher powers!"

"DOUG NO!!" Tom screamed. "THAT'S EVEN WORSE THAN GOING OFF SCRIPT!! IF YOU KILL THE HIGHER POWERS ALL AT ONCE!! THE UNIVERSE WILL CEASE TO EXIST!!"

"What!?" Squeaked the heroes.

"Dude, aren't you overreacting a little?" Asked FlippedoutKyrii. "I mean, when you destroy the universe, what will you gain from it?" FlippedoutKyrii Stepped forward.

"DON'T MOVE!!" Roared Doug. I approached cautiously behind Doug.

"Doug, listen." I said. "Look…" During my pause Doug turned to me. "I'm sorry. I can understand how you turned all emo and hate society once you lost your job and everyone started picking on you due to your crackpot religion. I felt the same way when Half-life 2 was delayed. And I also felt the same way when pickles sat on The Guitar hero disk. But please, destroying the universe will not solve your problems. Because once you destroy the universe, what will happen to money? What will happen to scientology? What will happen to all the Slim Jims? If you put down that gun, you will get your job back, and the teasing will stop. I'm sure of it, just, for the love of guitar hero, put down the gun." Doug lowered the gun, before dropping it. But then started to clap.

"Why are you clapping?" Asked Todd.

"Finally!" Exclaimed Doug. "It took you thirteen freaking chapters to figure it out! It took you thirteen chapters and several months for you to figure out that teasing will hurt anyone, no matter what they do or what they believe or what they look like! Teasing hurts!"

"WHAT!!?" The heroes yelped.

"This whole stupid plot just lead up to that stupid lesson!?"

"Yeah, pretty much." Doug shrugged.

"Its okay guys." I said calmly. "Through many struggles, and much determination, we got what we have been searching for. Our coke. Now let's just go home and forget about this whole thing."

"Yeah!" Doug said. "But suddenly FlippedoutKyrii stabbed Doug in the back with a fondue fork." The three stared at Doug's body briefly.

"Well, this was the highlight of my day." He said. "Come on guys, let's go to Burger King." The three were surrounded by a bright light that beamed down from the heavens.

"I made my second cameo appearance!" Lookaway gleefully exclaimed. "HORAY!!" The three soon disappeared. Leaving the heroes and most of the viewers confused on what's going to happen next."

Well… That was an anti-climax.

TUNE IN NEXT EPISODE!!


	14. Finally! It's Over!

The heroes settled down in the employee lounge in the Neopet's office. Todd of course had to clean up because the animation department was flooded knee-deep in salty emo blood. Its okay, they'll be fine… but let's just keep our fingers crossed.

"Well after all that," I started. "We finally got our coke."

"By the way, how was call of Juarez?" Ben asked, curious.

"Meh, it was okay, but it would have been better if the heroes you played as were not so hateable. I'll stick with guitar hero. I might play with pickles, once he gets out of the special care unit."

…

"This plot was terrible." Donna butted in.

"I know, well, that's for you. But none of this death or destruction matters. All that matters is that we have our coke in our hands." The heroes nodded and opened their cans, sipping gracefully. But then.

"It's… Kinda warm…"

"You know, Cocoa Cola actually tastes like RC when warm."

"This is terrible."

"Wait!" Ben exclaimed. "We went through all that just for this!?"

…

I got up with Donna and left.

"I knew we should have gone to the convenience store."

THE END!!

…

…

…

…

Wow! That was a waste of time! But I couldn't have done this terrible story without the following help!

Lookaway -- For feedback, beta reading and cameo appearances.

Brian Nelson -- For Feedback, beta Reading and Cameo appearance.

Dan… I can't pronounce his name – for Cameo appearance.

My sister – For feedback and pushing me to write down the next chapter

Adam and Donna – For not giving me hate mail and suing me

Chuck Norris – Just because…

Half-life – For killing time

Valve – For making half-life

Britney spears – For being the center of media attention

Ben – For killing Jack Thompson

Fanfiction – For surviving all that horrible fanfiction over the years.

And You – For reading this steaming pile of crap!

Now, I have another plan for a… story… Except it is actually going to be a redux version of "The Tales of Woe" Plot. Don't worry, it's not gonna be as retarded as this. I might start writing it in February. Because exams suck.

CIAO!!


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